One Month Old

Sweet Baby Girl turned one month old yesterday!  We celebrated by returning the oxygen tanks and pulse ox monitor to the medical supply company yesterday.  She’s been cut lose from the “high risk” newborn follow ups at the pediatric clinic and she’s been released from care by the neonatologist.  As the neonatologist told me, “She’s a nice, normal, healthy baby now!”  We’ve been assured that we have no concerns for future problems with her lungs and that she’s not at a higher risk for asthma, pneumonia or anything along those lines. We are so incredibly thankful for such a good outcome.

Now that things have started settling down, I’ve had time to reflect on the events of the last month.  I will admit that I have downplayed at lot of what happened when she was born.  This is partly because things happened so fast the day she was born and immediately after that we just didn’t realize the seriousness or magnitude of what was happening.  We just didn’t have time for our thoughts to stray in that direction; we had to focus on what was happening right then and there to cope.  The other part is that the truth sounds so melodramatic and still a little surreal to me.   The final little bit is that the truth scares the crap out of me.

If I am being brutally honest and blunt – my baby could have died.  She couldn’t breathe on her own after birth. That’s not a small problem or a small complication. That’s a Big Bad. I have to also admit to myself that I was also in danger.  If the nurses are bringing bags of blood into the operating room for you, it’s probably not good.  I don’t like to admit this because it means I should probably be cutting myself a little more slack in my recovery.  And, you know, that’s not my style…I have stuff to do.

The image of my tiny baby surrounded by wires, tubes, a tube down her throat and a metal box holding her head immobile is burned on my brain.  I won’t ever forget that.  I felt so horribly helpless sitting alone in the hospital after she was born.  I had a baby that I loved desperately even though I had never held her or really seen her.  I saw the edge of her arm and leg inside the PICU transport cart and managed to get two fingers on her before they wheeled her away.  I sat awake all night staring at the photo on my cell phone and remembering the feel of her warm soft skin on my fingers.  I tried so hard to imagine a connection between us, as if I could WILL her better that night. 

I called the hospital around 1am to check on her.  I was sure she had to be improving by then.  She wasn’t.  The nurse and doctor’s update was not at all reassuring. They said she was struggling to breathe, even on the ventilator, there was so much fluid on her lungs still they couldn’t keep them clear and that they were concerned about infection.  My sweet baby was all alone at the hospital, fighting to breathe and I was incapacitated. I couldn’t help her. 

I made it my goal to be discharged the next day, even though I knew that it was very early.  I thought if I could just see her, touch her and talk to her everything would be ok.  I did manage to get discharged the next day.  I won’t say that I lied about how I was feeling to get released, I think I just deluded myself into believing it.   Looking back, I don’t know how I managed to make it out of the hospital, across town and up to the nursery.  I was in so much pain, but all I could think was that if I stopped moving, I wouldn’t get to her.  My dad walked me down the hall towards the nursery. As soon as I figured out which door lead to her, I lost track of everything else.  I easily spotted my 9 lb baby in the nursery filled with premies. 

She was beautiful and heartbreaking.  She had two tubes in her mouth, one to help her breathe and one to pull the fluid out.   She had a line in her umbilical for glucose and hydration.  She had an IV, a blood pressure cuff, a pulse ox monitor and leads to measure her heartbeat and respirations.  Her head was surrounded by a silver metal box and a blanket.  This held her head still and supported the tubes down her throat.  She couldn’t be held because of the ventilator and it was hard to find a place to touch her because of everything attached to her.  The vent tube bothered her, so she fought it and cried periodically. The nurse assured me this was a good thing…she was feeling well enough to be a little feisty.  But, it hurt my heart so much to see her screw up her face to cry, open her mouth and let out a soundless wail. 

I wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything is OK and that Mommy’s here.  But nothing worked.  The nurse tried to show me how to cradle her legs so she felt held.  I just didn’t do it right.  It broke my heart to be there and not be able to comfort my own baby.   I hated that the nurse had a magic touch that could soothe her, yet I was grateful that she was soothed.  I hated that the nurse knew my baby better than I did.  The nurse explained that she didn’t like having her head touched, that she liked the pacifier and that it was best if she slept so she didn’t fight the tube down her throat and that they had “no touch” times where they let the babies rest.  I felt so useless and unneeded. I realized that sitting by her bed all night would be detrimental to her since I’d probably wake her. 

Looking back, I have such guilt over the events of those first few days.  I can’t help but feel I should have KNOWN something was wrong when I started bleeding.  I should have taken my symptoms more seriously. I should have known that the dizziness and lightheadedness was because I was bleeding.  I should have called for help sooner.  If I had done that, maybe she wouldn’t have ended up on the ventilator. 

Shortly after the bleeding started, she started kicking and wiggling all over the place.  It was unusual because she’d been moving less over the last couple of days – pretty typical as babies get larger and descend into the pelvis since they just run out of room. After Mike got home, I commented to him that she was really “rockin’ and rollin’” in there.  I now realize that may have been a signal.  She may have been moving so much because she was inhaling blood was in distress.  All those kicks and wiggles could have been from a tiny panicked baby and I didn’t know it. I didn’t know she needed help.  Mommies are supposed to know and are supposed to help and I didn’t.  I feel so much guilt over it.  I feel awful that she was alone at the hospital going through the tests, blood work, IVs, x-rays, and intubations alone.  I’ve been told everything – “You couldn’t have known.”  “You had to rest and recover, too.”  But those are hollow reassurances.  I still feel as if I failed her somehow.  I should have known. I should have done more.

I’m so very thankful to be snuggling this sweet baby today.  She’s happy and healthy, gaining weight nicely and is starting to look a little chubbier every day.  If I had my way, I’d snuggle her for hours each day and let the sweet weight of a baby on my chest and the smell of baby breath on my face sink into my soul and heal my heartache.

Educate and Make Community Connections

I’ve wanted to share this story for several weeks, but just haven’t had an opportunity to sit and write it.  Two days after Sweet Baby Girl was born, and while she was still in the Level 3 NICU, Soldier and I were visited by the Social Worker assigned to the Special Care Nurseries. She said that her visit was routine and that she meets with all parents with infants in the nursery to assess their needs.  Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about social workers and what they do beyond what I’ve seen on TV. (A very reliable source, I know.)  It sounded reasonable that she would visit with parents to ensure we were mentally, emotionally and physically able to care for a special needs newborn.  I expected questions along the lines of our home situation, other children in the house, child care and whether or not I worked outside the home. 

After jotting down our names, she said to Soldier, “You’re in the Army, right?”  I chalked this up to the haircut or that she knew we had been transferred from the military hospital.  I expected her to ask about my employment, but she didn’t. 

“So, you’re here then?”  Umm…you’re looking at him aren’t you, lady?  I didn’t get where she was going.  Soldier looked equally baffled.

“I mean, you’re got going over ‘there’ are you? You aren’t going away?”  Ohhh…I think she’s asking about a deployment.

“No,” I responded. “He’s not scheduled to deploy.”   Having had two deployment babies, I thought she was trying to find out if he was home for a while or not.

“Oh, good.  You won’t have to go overseas.”  She said this as if she was restating my answer.

“Well, I didn’t say that he’ll never deploy again, I just said that he’s not currently scheduled for a deployment.”

She still looked confused. “But, they say the troops will be home by Christmas.”

I was dumbfounded. “Well, yes, some of them.” 

Still confused, she asked “So, they won’t all be home then?”

I was a little horrified and couldn’t quite decide how to respond, but Soldier took care of it, “There’s a whole other country and a whole other war…Afghanistan.  There are still lots of soldiers deployed overseas…a war is still going on.”

I finally found my voice and thinking of all my friends with soldiers currently in Afghanistan, I tried to help by saying “You’ve probably seen it in the news. Fort Bliss has a lot of soldiers that have recently deployed to Afghanistan.”

“Oh yes,” she confidently answered, “Fort Bliss has had lots of soldiers stationed here for years.”

It was my turn to be confused but she had turned to me and said, “So, you’re all by yourself here.”   This was a statement and not a question.

Suddenly, I knew where she was going with this.  My guard went up and I immediately became suspicious of her.  “I’m sorry…I don’t know what you mean?”

“You know, you don’t have anyone here, do you?”  I was prepared to stonewall her but Soldier helped her out and said that my parents were here helping take care of the kids.  I knew that wasn’t what she was asking, but she let it go. 

In the few moments we had been talking with her, two things were obvious to me.  The first was that she knew nothing about the giant Army base in the middle of the city where she’s spent her whole life.  The second was that she seemed to hold some deep-seated, beliefs about the military, none of them favorable. She seemed to believe we had “no one” and were all alone.  In my exhausted, hormonal, emotionally fragile state, I wavered between anger and panic. 

I was angry that she could think that about me, without really knowing anything at all. Dozens of faces ran through my mind – all my sweet friends here in El Paso that had been calling, texting and messaging me their love, support, encouragement and offers of help over the last 48 hours.   If I had accepted all the offers of meals for my family, I wouldn’t have had to grocery shop or cook for about two months.  I had friends offer to pick up laundry, clean my house, walk my dog, watch my kids, take Monster Boy to preschool, run errands, grocery shop and sit with Sweet Baby Girl at the hospital so I could rest. Really, I had so much help that the only tasks leftover for me would be sitting on my bum and eating bon-bons. I was also very confident that those offering help really meant it. I have a hard time believing that civilians would get this kind of support from people not related to them.  Would civilian co-workers rally this kind of support? 

I was panicked because I didn’t know precisely what her role in my daughter’s care was. Did she have the power to influence when and how my daughter was discharged?  Could she recommend that my baby stay hospitalized longer because she believed I didn’t have the support systems necessary to care for her at home?   I was horrified at the thought that her preconceived notions about military families could keep my baby away from me longer than absolutely necessary.

I wanted to defend myself and my fellow Military Families, I wanted to give into my anger but as I looked at her I realized I saw confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.  I already knew the explanation – She knew nothing about military life.  Until recently, the base had been mostly a training location.  Soldiers and their families came and went rather quickly as the completed their courses.  There were some permanent units, but very few. Over all, it wasn’t a large installation.  However, things changed with the Base Realignment and Consolidation.  An entire combat division was relocated here. Over four years, the base population swelled by an additional 60,000 soldiers and family members.  And, these were War Fighters: soldiers and families that have been through, and expect to go through even more, deployments.  The community, and this social worker, didn’t know anything about the military service members and their families and how to support them.  It wasn’t her fault; she just didn’t know.

As I calmed down, I asked her “Do you get a lot of military families now?”

“Well, no.”  The truth came out. “We’ve been getting more over the last year…it’s definitely increasing.”

I chatted a bit with her about the base and explained about the division being relocated here and how many soldiers that meant.  I also explained that there are offices and folks on post that are intended to serve as community liaisons – to help military families integrate into the civilian community and to help educate the civilian community about military families.  I gave her a few examples: teachers and school districts work with the SLO, EFMP works with numerous agencies off and on post to provide care and support to families with special needs and unique circumstances, AFTB teaches “Army Basics” to those wanting to learn more about Army Life.  I offered to connect her with some of my contacts here on post, if she was interested in learning more about Military Families.  
 

After we were discharged, I followed up with her via e-mails. We discussed the base structure, the basics of ACS and army family support systems. I also shared my passion for AFTB.  I would Love, LOVE to see some of her staff in one of my AFTB classes. 

I also shared the National Military Family Association's Community Tool Kit with her.  This is an easy to read reference that helps civilians, that may not be familiar with the community, learn about Military Families and how to connect and support.  I really, really love these Tool Kits.  The Association also has a Military Child Tool Kit and a Military Teen Tool Kit that is perfect for sharing with teachers, pediatricians, guidance counselors, sports coaches, etc.  The Tool Kits came out of the Association's Operation Purple camps...they share what Military Children want you to know about them and about how they approach their life. The Association also completed a massive study in 2010 through the RAND corporation on Military Children. The results of this study are so humbling.  Our Military Children are so brave, so adventurous and so proud.  It makes my mommy heart just about burst.  To download a copy of the Tool Kits for free, order hard copies, read the report from the RAND study and check out the other Publications of the Association,  go to http://www.militaryfamily.org/publications/

I challenge you to look around your community, your friends and even your family.  Are you, as a Military Family, connecting with your community?  Do you feel like your community supports you or do you think they just don’t get it?  What about your civilian friends?  Your civilian family members?  I encourage you to share the resources at your local installation with them and talk about your experiences. You can be the bridge and the connection for them and help them learn and support other military families.

*This story appeared, in part, in National Military Family Association's "The Voice for Military Families" in the June/July 2012 edition.  For more information, www.militaryfamily.org. 

Welcome Home, Sweet Baby Girl!

As you can see from the photos, we made it home yesterday with oru Sweet Baby Girl!   Yesterday was sort of a roller coaster for us since we spent lots of time at the hospital waiting on blood work to clear her. We also had a little problem with her medication.  She's on a medication that helps open her lungs and helps her better absorb oxygen...she's had tremendous results on it and it's likely the reason we got to take her home.  HOWEVER....it's REALLY HARD to find a pharmacy that's open on Thanksgiving.  Soldier and I spent 30 - 45 minutes looking up pharmacies on our phones and calling with no luck.  My fab Facebook friends handled the problem in about 4 minutes and found two pharmacies that would fill our prescription. We thought we were golden.  Little did we know, the drug she is on is apparently rather rare and isn't stocked at most pharmacies.  Unfortunately, no one foresaw that possibility, so we happily took our little baby home.  After our homecoming, Soldier ran back out to WBAMC to fill the script and discovered that WBAMC doesn't carry it, nor did the 24 hour Walgreens.  I was a little panicky at the thought of having a baby with respiratory troubles and not having medication for her. I called the NICU and explained the situation to the nurse and was sure they would tell me to bring her back for readmission but they just said to have Soldier stop by and they'd give him a 24 hours supply to get us through.  I'm not sure how kosher that is, but I'm grateful because I didn't want to give my SBG back!!!   On Wednesday night, a home health company delivered an oxygen cylinder and a pulse/oxygen monitor for her and taught me how to use it all.  She was discharged on a little bit of oxygen, which was disappointing since she was doing so well yesterday.  But, her regular doctor wasn't in yesterday and I kind of think the oxygen issue is just a matter of different doctors since she still seem to be doing exceptionally well on the oxygen.  They've given me the OK to test her off oxygen when I think she's ready, so I'm watching her saturation levels today and maybe we'll try tonight or tomorrow.  Mommy's a little more tentative about messing with the oxygen than the NICU nurses are!

We're discovering all kinds of adventures with the baby and equipment.  It's not easy to move around the house with SBG since she's attached to a big oxygen tank on wheels and a heavy monitor that plugs into the wall.  Moving her anywhere beyond the three foot radius that her cords allow requires two people.  I am humbled by the experience and have realized that I may have "understood" that getting out and about was "difficult" for someone with physical limitations or adaptive equipment, but honestly, I had no idea how challenging just existing on a daily basis could be...and I'll I'm dealing with are two, relatively small, pieces of equipment.  Mike and I are learning how to maneuver Olivia and are setting up "Olivia stations" in the living room and bedroom so we can minimize the times we have to shuffle her equipment around, but I'm definitely looking forward to the day when I can ditch her accessories.   I also feel like a first-time Mom again: staying awake and watching her breathe. (More accurately...watching the pulse ox monitor.)  Jumping when she makes a noise or when that dratted monitor alarm goes off. (We haven't had an actual desaturation alarm, which is great.  We just have a million alarms telling us the sensor isn't getting a good read, usually because we're changing her diaper or she's kicking her feet around. We've done everything we can to ensure the sensors are in place securely and the nurse told us it just happens, but still....it's annoying!) Obsessing about germs. (Why do I always have babies during the cold and flu season??)    I also worry about Monster Boy and Bunny Girl messing with SBG's O2 controls...either increasing or decreasing her flow.  They can't turn it off but the adjustment knob is super easy for little hands to manipulate.   I spoke with the home health company and they are getting us a smaller, more portable tank in a little shoulder bag so we can get Olivia in the car and to her doctor's appointments easier, so that should help.

Aside from those adventures, our first night was pretty smooth and a pretty typical "Baby's First Night Home"  Soldier and I didn't get much sleep, but somehow SBG seems well rested.  I suppose I'm better off than some new moms...I'm a week post-cesearan, so I'm feeling a lot better than some new mommies would feel when they bring their babies home. That makes the in-and-out of bed routine a lot easier at night!   (And, a lot less painful.)

Thankfully, things with Tricare have been pretty smooth.  We're expecting some huge bills and are getting lots of calls from various billing departments.  So far, between my conversations with Tricare and the various billing reps, everything seems to be pretty easy. We've had one little issue with her medication and with the hospital-grade breast pump I rented, but it's not a big deal. (Tricare only covers pump rentals for premature newborns, not 9 pounders that stopped breathing and couldn't nurse, but whatever...it's not a crisis.)   We've got a bunch of follow up appointments in the next couple of weeks, but I can't schedule them since everyone is closed for the holiday today.

 Yesterday, one of the wives in our unit blessed us with a beautiful Thanksgiving feast, delivered to the house and ready to eat.  Honestly, I would have been happy with leftovers in a plastic bag, but she made a beautiful turkey, arranged and presented better than any turkey I've ever done and included all the sides and extras.  What a treat for us and I was extra thankful for her when Ethan asked why we weren't celebrating with turkey like everyone else was.

I also want to say how grateful I am for our nanny extraordinaire and my parents. Extraordinary cleared her day last Wednesday to stay with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl while I went in "just to be checked,(haha) and ended up staying with the kids all day. When I was admitted, my father ran out of a meeting, went straight to an airport and snagged a seat on the next flight to El Paso.  Luckily, he was already in Texas, so he made it out here in record time. (I think less than six hours after he got the phone call he was at the hospital checking on me and relieving Extraordinary at the house.) On his first day on the job, Grandpa managed to get both kids out the door for preschool, was back home to let the housekeeper in, back out the door for preschool pick-up and then to the airport.  My mom flew out on the first flight the morning after SBGwas born, she made it here before noon and has been on the job since. She had help from my Dad until Sunday when he returned to work but she's managed grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, Monster Boy and Bunny Girl (in their "finest" moments!) and still had time to be a shoulder for me to cry on when I have a "Mommy Moment."  (And I think she's worked in a little cyber-shopping as well!)   I'm so incredibly grateful that my parents could drop what they were doing and come to the rescue.  I know my Army Family here at Fort Bliss is always available to help, but it sure did make things easy those first few days to know that everyone was settled and taken care of.  And, I'm grateful to have the extra hands so I don't have to take SBG out of the house right now with all of her equipment and I'm not supposed to drive yet.

Our plan is to lay low and "recover" over the next couple of days...try to get the family into a new normal routine and get a little sanity back into everyone's heads!  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a successful Black Friday! Thank you for all your prayers!

Five Days Old

We're still here and still truckin'.   SBG is off the ventilator now and has been moved to the Level 2 nursery.  It's just been a little rough with trips to the hospital and managing my symptoms still.  Right now, I'm either pumping, sleeping or at the hospital with Olivia.  I try to work in a little time with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl, but I know those two are showing the strain of the last few days.   SGB is doing well; she’s eating well and responding to the meds.

The main issue is that pesky oxygen...she's not tolerating efforts to taper it.  Right now, she's got 3 more days of antibiotics before they can consider releasing her.  She could stay longer depending on the oxygen issue and the results of the blood test we're still waiting for.  But, I remain hopeful that Thursday will be our magic day!    I'm fine...despite my ER adventures.  Basically, I had a bunch of tests to confirm what we already knew - I had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood.  I'm extra weak because of the blood loss...it will get better, just takes time and they'll be doing extra blood work on me over the next few weeks to make sure I'm rebounding. Apparently, I also have an absurd amount of air pockets in my torso/abdomen from the surgery that are causing me considerable discomfort.  Again, it will improve...just takes time.  We're chalking this up to the fast and furious c-section and how things went down that day.

Three Days Old

We just got back from the hospital - Sweet Baby Girl 's doing fantastic.  She's off the ventilator, she's eating on her own (and nursing!!!) and her lungs are sounding better. There are no further signs of infection, so the antibiotics seem to be doing their job.  They are pulling her umbilical line (where she's been getting glucose and fluids for nutrition) today since she's eating so well.  They are also transferring her to the intermediate care nursery since most of her tubes/monitors will be coming off soon.  She'll just have an IV line and will just need to finish the 7 day antibiotic course, so we're hoping she'll come home on Wednesday or Thursday next week. The doctor said there's still a small amount of blood in her lungs still and they've sent it to be tested to see if it's still my blood from delivery or hers from something else.  We're hoping the tests come back as mine since the docs said they'll just let it work its way out since she's breathing so well and her blood gas tests are good.  If it's her blood, then they'll need to do a bronchoscopy to see what's going on.

Everyone else is doing well...kids are showing the strain of the crazy week with some crazy behavior, but that's to be expected.  Soldier and I are learning how to juggle our back and forth trips to the hospital.  We're learning how to manage pumping schedules, hospital feeding trips, two tots that miss mommy and naps for a tired mommy.  We've been so blessed by my parents being here to help with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl and with the many offers of help and tasty dinners we've received.  I love you all and will eventually give you all big hugs and tell you thank you personally when this is all over. 

Update from the NICU

I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love, prayers and support we've had for our Sweet Baby Girl. She seems to be doing well and making progress.  She's barely using the ventilator right now....down to 10% and they are hoping to extubate her sometime this morning or early afternoon, assuming her tests are all reassuring this morning.  I managed to sweet talk my way out of the hospital late last night....29 hours post-cesarean. Not too shabby, since they said most first time and emergency c-sections don't get sprung for about 72 hours.  I made it up to see Sweet Baby Girl for the first time last night around 10pm.  I'm so thankful that she's at a hospital nearby.  The staff there is great and have been very good to both of us.  I couldn't stay the night since I'm in some pain but I’m headed up there this morning to be there when they extubate her, hopefully. The signs of infection she was showing yesterday are already receding with the antibiotics, which is wonderful.  They doctors and nurses are hopeful that, once she's extubated and monitored, they can move her to a "step-down" nursery.  Which means lots more mommy snuggles and that we'll get to try breastfeeding.  She's been receiving nourishment via IV through her umbilical, but they hope to start her on tiny amounts of the colostrum I've been pumping as soon as she's off the vent and then work up to nursing.  I know this may be a tough transition, but I'm hopeful that we can learn together to establish nursing once she's a little stronger. They still expect about a total of 7 days in the hospital, which means I'll be extra, extra, extra thankful on Thanksgiving but I'm grateful that we seem to be turning the corner and can see the finish line.   We don't have a lot of photos because the NICU really limits it, but hopefully, we'll have some opportunities over the next couple of days.

My heart is touched by all the love we've been showered with through this adventure.  I've received so many offers to help and so many sweet messages from friends and family, near and far.  I will eventually respond to everyone, but right now it seems like we're running non-stop between hospital visits, pumping sessions, Monster Boy,  Bunny Girl and my physical limitations.  

Welcome to our Sweet Baby Girl!

We are very pleased to announce the arrival of the newest little Hooah.  We haven’t come up with a great nickname for her yet, but we’ve been calling her Sweet Baby Girl for now.  But, to be fair, she really is the sweetest little girl ever.  Her spirit and joy shine through despite the rough ride she’s had since her arrival. 
Our Sweet Baby Girl decided to make her arrival on November 16^th.  With two uneventful pregnancies and a totally boring medical history, I figured she would be a cake walk. I was praying that I’d go into labor naturally because I didn’t want to deal with another induction.  (Side note: Be careful what you ask for, because He does listen.  The answers just may not be what you want!)   I’ll post her full Birth Story later when things settle down.  She arrived by emergency c-section at 1:17pm.  I had a placental abruption and had an emergency c-section because she was in some distress and I was bleeding heavily.  We didn’t get to see her because they took her away so fast.  We were told that she stopped breathing after she was born. She was intubated, placed on a ventilator and transported to the Children’s Hospital where they have a Level 3 NICU. I am still at the Army hospital where she was born.  I have two cell phone photos of her that Soldier was able to snap when they took him to see her in the NICU before she was transported. I want to be with her so much. I breaks my heart that she's so tiny, alone, fighting to breathe, maybe hurting and that I can't comfort her.  I've tried to sleep but only managed about two hours. I just can't stop thinking about her and praying that she's doing ok.  I've been awake all night, holding my own vigil for her and willing her to fight.

Sweet Baby Girl, 1 hour old:

 

Army Wives need Mentors, too!

Usually when people talk about mentors, they are talking about a professional mentor, an academic mentor or something sports or music related.  Usually a mentor-mentee relationship has some kind of talent or goal in common with each other that forms the basis for the Mentoring relationship.  Mentors are common in the Army...a senior Soldier will take a new guy under his/her wing and show them the ropes and helps them as they navigate through their Army Career.   But, for spouses and family members -- have you considered that maybe YOU need an Army Mentor, too?  

Let's be honest -- Army Life can be confusing, especially in the beginning. For those of us that have "been there, done that," I think we can all still remember what it was like to first navigate this crazy world we live in.   I've been reflecting on my first year as an Army Spouse a lot lately because my path has crossed with quite a few new Army families lately...one of the is even my own extended family!  In their faces and questions, I am reminded of my first Army experiences and have wondered how I got to a point where I felt capable navigating Army Life and teaching others about it.  I realized there were a few key people that made this possible -- they were my Army Mentors.  As a new bride, I was very, very fortunate to have crossed paths with three ladies that were pivotal in teaching me what I needed to know to manage Army life.  I remember observing conversations early on where I understood only five words:  And, Of, The, If and Or.   All the rest was acronyms, unit names/numbers, and other words that I didn't know the meaning of.  I remembering hoping my panic and confusion didn't show on my face too much.   Luckily, I had these three lovely ladies who were kind enough to answer my questions and prod me in the right direction when I wasn't asking the RIGHT questions so I could learn what I needed to know.   They showed me what Army life COULD be, if I chose to embrace it.  (I also met a few people along the way that showed me the other side of what Army life could be, but it didn't take long to realize I did NOT like the preview they gave me!)   I absorbed everything they offered...I listened, I asked questions and I still consult them when I have an Army Dilemma that is bothering me.   I firmly believe that the Army adventure for me and my family would be a LOT different had I not been privy to the knowledge and experience of these ladies.  

So, again, I pose the question to you:  Do you have an Army Mentor?  Do you have someone that's "been there, done that" and not just survived but thrived?  Do you have someone that you can turn to with questions about your Army life?   Who can you ask about careers progression?  Who can tell you about customs or what to wear to the various Army events?  Who can decode acronyms and the strange names given to units, agencies and organizations on post?  Who knows which agency or office to turn to or the right channels to get your problem resolved?  Who can help you interpret something your Soldier says or does?   Who can understand what going through a deployment or TDY separation is like?   I assure you, most of your friends back home and much of your family will NOT be able to help, though they may try.  By becoming an Army Family, we are branded and forever marked as "different" in some small way.  You need an Army Mentor to help you learn how to handle this life with grace, love and fun. 

If you haven't found an Army Mentor, I suggest you put yourself out there and try to make connections.  The FRG is a fantastic place to do this as you explore and find "your people."   Use the FRG leader, the Key Callers or other volunteers as a sounding board -- their job is to answer questions, be a knowledgeable resource for how to get things done on post and get the RIGHT answers for you, whether the question is "what to wear" or "what does this mean?"   As you explore the FRG, you may find your mentor there, you may find dear friends.  You'll also find opportunities to widen your circle of experiences and acquaintances.  The spouses clubs on post are a great place to make connections.  ACS (Army Community Service) offers classes designed just few new Army families -- Army Family Team Building.  This program is designed to be a crash-course in Army-Know-How.  I sincerely WISH I'd had the opportunity to take those courses as a new bride...I would have fit into my new life so much faster if I had!   Volunteering is another way to expand your experience--you can do this in the civilian community or on-post; Schools, Thrift Shops, youth sports programs and the like are all avenues to find people you might connect with and find an experienced spouse to serve as your Army Mentor.

Regulations kill Relationships?

This is for my Army Wives and fellow FRG devotees.  Apologies to my civilian friends, for this post will surely make no sense.

I've been doing FRG work for quite a while and I really, really do make an effort to be knowledgeable about the rules and regs.  Of course, if you've done FRG work, you know there are TONS of rules. DA has theirs, then Garrison gets to issue their guidance, JAG throws in their two cents, as well as other agencies like MWR and DECA, the BDE issues their requirements, BN adds to those with theirs and finally, the company gets to create a group that is designed just for the families they serve, as long as it meets the requirements of everyone listed above.  *whew*  Then, just when you think you’ve managed to learn and understand the necessary rules, they change and you start over again.

I will confess that when I started FRG work, I lamented the lack of rules and guidelines for "how" to do the FRG job.  There was a lack of motivation from some levels of leadership (yup, I'll say it...Company Commanders!) to really push the FRG program or to enforce any consistent standards.  This changed as we neared deployment, but most of the FRG standards and rules originated from our BDE and BN leaders – both forward and Rear Detachment. I often thought that the FRG Leader’s Manual was sorely lacking in “real” info on how to run an FRG and what the minimum standards were.  

Needless to say, when the new FRG manual was published in 2008, I was pretty pleased.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was a darn sight better than anything we’d had before. I was also pretty psyched when we arrived here at Ft Lewis and I found out ACS was taking the time to teach a real FRG Leaders Fundamentals course and Treasurers course.  So, please don’t take any of this to mean that I am opposed to FRG rules and regulations in general.  I welcome the oversight and the effort to ensure a minimum FRG operational standard for ALL military families, not just those that have some very motivated volunteers or command teams.  

My concern is that with the level of FRG Regulation we currently have, we are effectively hamstringing FRG Leaders and their volunteers.  The time honored Army notion of “adding to, but not taking away from” issued guidance is alive and kicking in FRG world, but the net effect once every interested party has their say, is an FRG operational box that is impossibly tiny.  The FRGs operate at the company level for a reason – they are most effective at the grassroots level because they have an immediate connection to the members and can quickly respond and adapt to the needs of their particular group dynamic.  I’ve seen some very vibrant and interesting FRG organizational approaches and the current regulations do not “permit” something that deviates from a Leader/Co-Leader, Advisor, Treasurer/Treasurer Alternate, approach. This excludes the possibility of groups operating under a council approach – with 3-5 or so members serving as the leadership council for the group.  Mandating the Treasurer’s position also puts an unnecessary emphasis on fundraising and money matters.  I sometimes feel like a broken record saying this but the true reason for an FRG is NOT fundraising and social activities.  The FRG’s primary mission is communication, information and resource referral.  The FRG must facilitate two-way communication between the command team and the family members, with the goal of keeping family members informed about unit activities, deployments, etc. and keeping the command informed of community/family concerns. FRGs are should also be local resource experts for family members in need.  Social activities and fundraisers are nice and can serve a valuable team building and moral-enhancing effect, but if you can’t communicate effectively with your members, no one will know to attend your events.  If you can’t communicate time-sensitive, important information to your family members, your group may as well not exist.

The financial requirements for the FRGs are a hornet’s nest in and of themselves.  I’ll be the first to admit that this is a tricky thing since there have been problems with fraud, abuse and IRS violations.  On the other hand, this is a group of volunteers trying to provide a small service to its members in an informal way.  The “Informal” fund has spawned quite a few formal regulations, including Standard Operating Procedures, annual and quarterly audits, monthly financial reporting and background checks for money handlers. 
The level of procedural requirements, documentation and time needed to manage an FRG, both operationally and financially, and to oversee FRG operations has grown significantly over the last five years.  The Army, along with other services, has clearly recognized this by creating the Family Readiness Support Assistant jobs at the battalion level in an effort to take some of the record keeping and administrative tasks off of the FRG Leaders.  The success of that program is debatable and varies widely depending on the individuals involved; that is a whole other debate and treatise by itself.  Despite this effort, there is still a tremendous amount of time involved in managing and overseeing FRGs.  

From my perspective, there appears to be a disconnect between the level of procedural requirements and the expended time/effort by unit officials to train, implement and enforce those standards.  The reality is that an active duty unit has many pressing priorities, especially during a pre-deployment phase, and the FRG does not get the attention its’ regulations and rules require to ensure consistency between programs.  SOPs are drafted quickly, with little thought as to what they actually state.  “Audits” are checklists that are done in about five minutes, when they are actually completed, and fail to pick up on red flags in the record keeping or documentation.  I’ve seen some audits that actually fabricate portions of the results or the documents provided for the audit were fabricated three days prior.  As a volunteer, I want to know that my effort is for good reason and makes a difference. I don’t wish to go through motions to appear in compliance.  For me, things like this make all the rules, regulations and audits a complete waste of time.  The truth and validity behind them is completely destroyed when they are inconsistently enforced or blatantly outmaneuvered.

I’ll be completely honest here: I don’t know that I have the answer on how to fix this.  And I can’t say that I’m totally qualified to figure out how. I will be the first to admit that I am operating from a micro perspective….the grassroots level.  I lack the macro view that those involved in FRG policy making at BN, BDE, Division, Garrison, or Department of the Army may have.  I know from experience that sometimes the view from above is very different from the view at the bottom, in both good and bad ways. Further, the military and it’s internal bureaucracies are a complex beast to maneuver and master.  I continue to serve in FRG positions because I believe in the mission of a Family Readiness Group.  The FRG is valuable as a link between families and the unit’s command teams and as a go-to source for information and resources. FRG volunteers are valuable mentors for new families.  This is my passion and my motivation for serving as I do.  Perhaps, this is the answers:  SIMPLIFY.  Don’t simply the regulations just to simply them, SIMPLIFY the roles and tasks of the FRG.  Return to the roots of communication and resource referrals.  This group is about relationships and connecting people…not parties, not fundraising, not memos and not reports.  People matter.

Hunting for Buried Treasure

I know it's time to vacuum under my couches, TV stand, and other furniture when the Lego box hits the half-full mark.  It’s not my favorite chore since it involves this pregnant lady crawling and laying on the floor to peer under furniture, a fair amount of dust and carpet fuzz and the vacuum. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it!

I’m sitting here  surveying my findings from tonight’s work and thought I’d share the final tally:

10 toy cars (yes, 10...and he didn't notice they were missing)

48 Legos  (that's a full starter package from the store!)

2 Little People  (not my children, the PlaySkool type)

3 pieces of Little People furniture(ditto)

4 balls

2 golf balls  (I blame these on Soldier Boy)

2 books

2 Lincoln Logs

3 fake food items

2 books

1 toy train

2 foam blocks

Bunny Girl’s pink sunsuit    (I have no explanation for this one)

Household 6’s missing croc  (Thank goodness, I've been missing my crocs!)

1 box of alphabet flashcards

1 dirty sock

1 unopened bag of animal crackers (Again...no explanation. At least they were still sealed.)

1 IR flag  (Only in an Army family)

1 name tape (ditto)

Fireworks Magic

We received an invitation from friends to go to the fireworks display here on post this week.  Apparently, our post hasn’t done any kind of Independence Day celebration in about ten years. They decided to change that this year and throw a huge celebration that EVERYONE was excited about.  Everyone except me, of course. 

Go ahead, call me Scrooge and get it over with.  It’s not that I don’t love our country or anything silly like that, I just don’t love Independence Day celebrations.  They’ve always been  hot and crowded. And I’ve spent four times longer in the car leaving the fireworks displays than I did actually watching the display.  It’s just never been worth it to me and I was sure it would be even more miserable now that I had two munchkins to cart around that would likely get tired and grumpy long before we made it home.

Soldier Boy was pretty excited about the outing, despite my objections to it. We packed up and headed over to the park around 7pm. I figured it would be busy already but the temperature starts dropping around 7pm and I was not up for sitting in the heat any longer than necessary.  We met up with friends and staked out a patch of grass for our chairs, picnic blankets, coolers and strollers.  (Bob the Beast was along for the adventure, of course.) 

The local symphony orchestra was set up and began the first half of their concert shortly after we arrived.  We all stood for the playing of the National Anthem and covered our hearts with our hands.  I gestured to Monster Boy to do the same since I’ve been trying to teach him how.  The little man gave me a funny look, turned back towards the orchestra and brought his little arm up in a perfect salute!  My heart about melted as he stood there patiently saluting during the entire song.  I desperately wanted to snap a photo of him, but I didn’t dare be that irreverent during the National Anthem.  It doesn’t matter though, that image is burned into my mind forever. 

We had a pretty large group – four families with a combined kid count of 14!  Yes, do the math; the Hooah family only contributed two to the mix!   Needless to say, the area near our chairs and blankets was pretty active with kids running, jumping, dancing and digging in the dirt.  Monster Boy did all of the above.  Bunny Girl surprised us all and was really into the orchestra.  She stood in the middle of the blanket most of the evening and just danced by herself to the music.  As the sun set and it got later, kids started slowing down or getting more wound up, as in Monster Boy’s case.

The fireworks started with Bunny Girl snuggled on my lap, exhausted but still entranced by the orchestra.  Monster Boy was still running with his friends. Surprisingly, neither one was scared by the explosions.  Bunny Girl snuggled and stared with wide eyes.  Monster Boy watched with his buddies for a while and then came over to snuggle with me.  I didn’t have room for both kiddos and the belly in my chair, so I stretched out on the blanket with each one snuggled to my side. 

It was at that moment that it hit me:  WORTH IT!  It didn’t matter how hot it was earlier, how crowded the park was or how long it took us to get home.  The joy and peace I had laying on that blanket with my babies, seeing the awesome display of fireworks through their eyes for the first time and having whispered conversations about how cool the fireworks were was totally, 100% worth it.

Love, Hamburger Style.

We took the kids out to eat the other night. Predictably, the meal we ordered for the kids to share was not what Monster Boy felt like eating at that particular moment.  So, I did what all good parents do: I told him,“too bad” and calmly enjoy my food while we pretended to ignore his sulking.  As luck would have it, he got over his snit pretty quick that evening and decided to impress us by wolfing down all of his veggies and most of his chicken. After this impressive about face, he strategically took aim at his father’s big, juicy hamburger, which was apparently what he wanted all along.  He said to his father “Daddy, Tink I can have a bite of you buuuguer?”  After Monster Boy’s impressive dinner performance, Soldier Boy couldn’t say no and shared his giant burger. He cut a piece off, bun, tomatoes lettuce and all, and set it on Monster Boy’s plate.  Monster Boy leaned over to Soldier, pressed his face against his shoulder and laid a huge wet kiss on him, followed by a biiiiig hug and he exclaimed, “Oh wow! Thank you, Daddy! Thank you! Daddy yoves me because he sss-ared his buuguer with me!”  

Who know that a few bites of leftover hamburger would generate that much enthusiasm or love?  For those of you that have read Gary Chapman’s“The Five Love Languages” or “The Five Love Languages of Children,” I’ve long suspected that Monster Boy is a “Gifts,” just like his mommy. This has only confirmed it!  Side Note: If you haven’t read these books, I definitely recommend them. It’s a great way to frame how you show your love and appreciation to those you hold dear!

Deployments and Decision Making

Today I saw a decision I made over a year ago, pay off in a very rewarding way.  It was a small decision, something that didn’t seem monumental at the time. However, even tiny decisions can have both positive and negative impacts in large and small ways. This particular decision had some minor negative impacts in the short term but a hugely positive impact in the long run.  It wasn’t a particularly big decision, nothing that required months of research or anything like that, but it was one of those every day dilemmas that I normally would have discussed with Soldier before making a decision.  Unfortunately, he was in Iraq at the time and though we had communication, it was limited and it just wasn’t possible or practical to discuss every single thing with him before deciding. 

This scenario is something faced by all military spouses at some point…whether it’s a field exercise, TDY, a deployment, or even just a range where the soldiers aren’t getting cell signal.  Sometimes these decisions are related to life-altering events: a severe illness, a death in the family, a job change, buying a house.  Sometimes the decisions relate to big financial actions or big parenting dilemmas. But, most frequently, the decisions you will be faced with are ones like mine…small, mundane, every day questions.  Should I let the kids go to so-and-so’s house?  Should I go out to dinner with these gals at that place?  Do we have ice cream before dinner?  Do the kids get to watch this movie?  Should I buy those pillows for the couch?   These are real questions that need to be answered sooner or later, but they don’t necessarily make for great conversation when you do get your soldier’s full attention…whether it’s for 5 minutes on a static-y connection or for 15 minutes before they pass out from a hard day’s work. 

As military couples, we know we must work to make our relationship strong and develop a mutual understanding and respect so that we can survive a deployment.  But, this strength, communication and respect that we foster before they go to the field can help carry those of us left behind in this decision making process.  Can you objectively assess how your spouse would likely react to any of the given issues?  Do you know which issues tend to be “hot button” issues for you both?  Can you objectively relate your spouse’s position on those issues, even if they differ from yours?  This knowledge and perspective, plus using those good old fashioned critical thinking skills, will help you determine when you can make a decision on behalf of you and your spouse, as a couple, on these every day dilemmas.  This may even help you with knowing where the line is on those “bigger” decisions. 

If you aren’t sure you know how your spouse might react to certain situations, take the time to talk with him/her now.  If you know you might have “big” questions coming up, ask your spouse’s thoughts on them now.  My husband and I had to do this quite a bit before his last deployment.  His grandfather had been ill for quite some time, was living in a skilled nursing facility and had been going steadily downhill over the last six months. No one was sure how long he would survive and we knew there was a possibility that Soldier would be deployed when his grandfather passed away.  We talked about whether or not he would want a Red Cross Message sent and whether he would want to try to return home for the funeral. Without having asked, I probably would have sent the message, since that’s what spouses are told to do when there’s a death in the family.  Soldier had a different perspective.  He told me he didn’t want a message sent if we were managing weekly or bi-weekly communication. He explained there was nothing he could do to change the circumstances or to help since his father, uncles and cousins were living in the immediate area and he doubted he’d get a flight back in time for the funeral anyway.  More importantly, I was pregnant with Bunny Girl and he wasn’t willingto use an emergency leave situation or his R & R time going to his grandfather’s funeral when it could mean not being able to come home if I needed him or so he could meet our newborn.  I was touched by his reasoning and honestly, never would have considered the matter that way. 

Through conversations like this and other “what-if” scenarios, I feel that I have a pretty solid understanding of my husband’s perspective. So, last year when I was approached, at separate times, by our parents wanting to take Monster Boy (then 2½) to his first big screen movie experience, I confidently said no.  I explained that, first of all, I thought he was a little too young still, and, more importantly, his father loved movies, loved movie theaters and the big screen experience. Though we’d never discussed it, I knew that Soldier would want to take our little Monster Boy to his first movie.  Neither parent was particularly pleased with my answer, since they felt it wasn’t a big deal and I was being unreasonable.  However, in my heart, I knew what Soldier Boy would want.  During deployments, he missed so much with the kids that a bit of disappointment from our parents would be worth it to save this special adventure for just Daddy and Son.

Soldier took Monster Boy to see Cars 2 today.  He planned their outing out a week ahead and talked about it every night.  Monster Boy was excited about his special adventure with Daddy, but was a little scared of the movie.  They had popcorn, gummy bears and even shared a little soda. (I wasn’t too thrilled about the soda, but I rolled my eyes and let it go.)  Monster Boy loved it and has been talking about the movie, his popcorn and treats and his Daddy Adventure since then.  Soldier told me how fun and special it was for him and it just warmed my heart.

I made the right decision for my family and I am proud that I stood my ground, even when it seemed inconsequential to others.

Meet the Hooahs

Once upon a time, there was a girl and she met a boy. And they fell in love. Well, since they were in high school it was more “Like.” But, like, a major “Like.” Like, she was seriously crushing on him. And he was sorta into her, too. So, they dated and they broke up. A couple of times, because, you know…that’s what you do in high school.  

So, the boy and the girl went away to college and didn’t see each other for a while. They grew up a little, lived a little. And one day, the boy and the girl met again. And they fell in love. For real, this time. The only problem was, the boy was a soldier and was headed to South Korea for a year and the girl was in graduate school in Virginia. Thanks to the wonders of webcams, they stayed in touch and became closer over the year. The love deepened and when the boy came back to Virginia a year later, he asked the girl to marry him.  Actually, he said “How would you feel about being an Army wife?”  The girl said, “I could probably handle it. Are you trying to ask me something?” And so, they were engaged and married six months later. 

At the wedding, we walked through the Saber Arch. I got whacked in the derriere by a saber and heard as I walked away, “Welcome to the Army, Ma’am.” At the time, I knew it was tradition but didn’t understand the full implication and symbolism. I have now come to realize the extent to which marriage to a soldier fully indoctrinates you in all things Army and that sometimes, Army Life kicks you in the butt.

Soldier Boy: The boy grew up to become Soldier Boy. He loves the Army and loves the soldier life, but, like anyone, is occasionally frustrated with his job.  He’s calm, level-headed and steady…all the things you’d want in a leader if you were in the Army. As you might expect, he likes tanks, big machinery, big guns and health/fitness. (CrossFit cult, anyone?) But, he has a softer side: he’s creative, artistic and musically inclined.  He’s also bizarrely knowledgeable about pop culture and related trivia, something he shames Household 6 with regularly. And, of course, he’s a devoted father…the kids always cheer when Daddy walks in at the end of the day.

Household 6: For those of you non-Army folks, Household 6 is a common joke among military families. The “6” designation is traditionally used in call signs to refer to the unit commander, so wives earn the title of Household 6 by commanding their home and their family forces with pride. I suppose I’d probably be considered a stereotypical Army wife. I’m a stay-at-home Mom, by choice. I’m a joiner and a helper, so I can’t help but to get involved wherever we are. I do volunteer work with our Family Readiness Group (FRG, henceforth) and various other groups around post. I’m a board member for the Officer and Civilian Spouses Club (OCSA) and for the Protestant Women of Chapel (PWOC). I like Hail and Farewells, Balls, Unit Coffee Groups and other social opportunities. I’m also a Representative for the National Military Family Association. So, though I might be a stereotype, I still have dreams, ambitions and plans for myself and I’m pretty determined to make them happen when the time is right. If only I could decide what I want to be when I grow up. 

Monster Boy: So called, because, like many first children with their parents undivided attention, he was such a good, sweet, friendly baby. So good, in fact, that, like many other first-time parents, we deluded ourselves that our child was so perfect and we were such awesome parents that we should have a whole pack of kids! 4, 5, 6?  Sure!!! Then, right around the time Baby #2 arrived and Monster Boy turned two, that all came crashing down! We love our little Monster Boy and the name has stuck, not because of his behavior or lack-thereof, but because he embraces all things MONSTER. In his world, louder, stronger, faster and bigger is always better. His inspiration for the day varies, a dinosaur, a lion, tiger, monster truck, firetruck, or rocket ship, but the theme is always the same: Big, LOUD, FAST! The child does not lack in imagination. Monster Boy is currently three and a half.

Bunny Girl – Bunny girl earned her moniker in utero, courtesy of her big brother, Monster Boy. We had a book about a bunny with lots of brothers and sisters, so when we asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister, he naturally assumed he was getting a bunny. The name stuck since she was quite active and jumped around incessantly in the womb. After she arrived, she was this adorable round, chubby, fat-cheeked baby that just wanted to be snuggled. She’s one and a half years old now. We are learning the dangers of underestimating the younger one. She’s quiet and innocent looking, but underneath those sweet round cheeks is a little mischievous imp. She’s far too clever for her mother’s peace of mind and much too fast on her feet already. 

H3 – As in, Baby Hooah #3. We don’t know if H3 is a boy or a girl and we’re seriously struggling in creating a list of names for the poor child. Regardless, we’re pretty excited that H3 is arriving in November 2011. Monster Boy is totally on board with the idea of a new baby, but Bunny Girl has no clue what’s going on yet! Soldier and I are pretty excited that H3 will be our first child to NOT be born during a deployment. This is our third child, but Soldier’s first real newborn experience. (Sorry Soldier, 9 days on R & R does not count as a real newborn experience.) When folks find out we are expecting baby #3, generally the next question is, “How many kids are you going to have?” So, to preempt that question, the answer is: I have no clue but we’ll keep you posted.