Educate and Make Community Connections

I’ve wanted to share this story for several weeks, but just haven’t had an opportunity to sit and write it.  Two days after Sweet Baby Girl was born, and while she was still in the Level 3 NICU, Soldier and I were visited by the Social Worker assigned to the Special Care Nurseries. She said that her visit was routine and that she meets with all parents with infants in the nursery to assess their needs.  Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about social workers and what they do beyond what I’ve seen on TV. (A very reliable source, I know.)  It sounded reasonable that she would visit with parents to ensure we were mentally, emotionally and physically able to care for a special needs newborn.  I expected questions along the lines of our home situation, other children in the house, child care and whether or not I worked outside the home. 

After jotting down our names, she said to Soldier, “You’re in the Army, right?”  I chalked this up to the haircut or that she knew we had been transferred from the military hospital.  I expected her to ask about my employment, but she didn’t. 

“So, you’re here then?”  Umm…you’re looking at him aren’t you, lady?  I didn’t get where she was going.  Soldier looked equally baffled.

“I mean, you’re got going over ‘there’ are you? You aren’t going away?”  Ohhh…I think she’s asking about a deployment.

“No,” I responded. “He’s not scheduled to deploy.”   Having had two deployment babies, I thought she was trying to find out if he was home for a while or not.

“Oh, good.  You won’t have to go overseas.”  She said this as if she was restating my answer.

“Well, I didn’t say that he’ll never deploy again, I just said that he’s not currently scheduled for a deployment.”

She still looked confused. “But, they say the troops will be home by Christmas.”

I was dumbfounded. “Well, yes, some of them.” 

Still confused, she asked “So, they won’t all be home then?”

I was a little horrified and couldn’t quite decide how to respond, but Soldier took care of it, “There’s a whole other country and a whole other war…Afghanistan.  There are still lots of soldiers deployed overseas…a war is still going on.”

I finally found my voice and thinking of all my friends with soldiers currently in Afghanistan, I tried to help by saying “You’ve probably seen it in the news. Fort Bliss has a lot of soldiers that have recently deployed to Afghanistan.”

“Oh yes,” she confidently answered, “Fort Bliss has had lots of soldiers stationed here for years.”

It was my turn to be confused but she had turned to me and said, “So, you’re all by yourself here.”   This was a statement and not a question.

Suddenly, I knew where she was going with this.  My guard went up and I immediately became suspicious of her.  “I’m sorry…I don’t know what you mean?”

“You know, you don’t have anyone here, do you?”  I was prepared to stonewall her but Soldier helped her out and said that my parents were here helping take care of the kids.  I knew that wasn’t what she was asking, but she let it go. 

In the few moments we had been talking with her, two things were obvious to me.  The first was that she knew nothing about the giant Army base in the middle of the city where she’s spent her whole life.  The second was that she seemed to hold some deep-seated, beliefs about the military, none of them favorable. She seemed to believe we had “no one” and were all alone.  In my exhausted, hormonal, emotionally fragile state, I wavered between anger and panic. 

I was angry that she could think that about me, without really knowing anything at all. Dozens of faces ran through my mind – all my sweet friends here in El Paso that had been calling, texting and messaging me their love, support, encouragement and offers of help over the last 48 hours.   If I had accepted all the offers of meals for my family, I wouldn’t have had to grocery shop or cook for about two months.  I had friends offer to pick up laundry, clean my house, walk my dog, watch my kids, take Monster Boy to preschool, run errands, grocery shop and sit with Sweet Baby Girl at the hospital so I could rest. Really, I had so much help that the only tasks leftover for me would be sitting on my bum and eating bon-bons. I was also very confident that those offering help really meant it. I have a hard time believing that civilians would get this kind of support from people not related to them.  Would civilian co-workers rally this kind of support? 

I was panicked because I didn’t know precisely what her role in my daughter’s care was. Did she have the power to influence when and how my daughter was discharged?  Could she recommend that my baby stay hospitalized longer because she believed I didn’t have the support systems necessary to care for her at home?   I was horrified at the thought that her preconceived notions about military families could keep my baby away from me longer than absolutely necessary.

I wanted to defend myself and my fellow Military Families, I wanted to give into my anger but as I looked at her I realized I saw confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.  I already knew the explanation – She knew nothing about military life.  Until recently, the base had been mostly a training location.  Soldiers and their families came and went rather quickly as the completed their courses.  There were some permanent units, but very few. Over all, it wasn’t a large installation.  However, things changed with the Base Realignment and Consolidation.  An entire combat division was relocated here. Over four years, the base population swelled by an additional 60,000 soldiers and family members.  And, these were War Fighters: soldiers and families that have been through, and expect to go through even more, deployments.  The community, and this social worker, didn’t know anything about the military service members and their families and how to support them.  It wasn’t her fault; she just didn’t know.

As I calmed down, I asked her “Do you get a lot of military families now?”

“Well, no.”  The truth came out. “We’ve been getting more over the last year…it’s definitely increasing.”

I chatted a bit with her about the base and explained about the division being relocated here and how many soldiers that meant.  I also explained that there are offices and folks on post that are intended to serve as community liaisons – to help military families integrate into the civilian community and to help educate the civilian community about military families.  I gave her a few examples: teachers and school districts work with the SLO, EFMP works with numerous agencies off and on post to provide care and support to families with special needs and unique circumstances, AFTB teaches “Army Basics” to those wanting to learn more about Army Life.  I offered to connect her with some of my contacts here on post, if she was interested in learning more about Military Families.  
 

After we were discharged, I followed up with her via e-mails. We discussed the base structure, the basics of ACS and army family support systems. I also shared my passion for AFTB.  I would Love, LOVE to see some of her staff in one of my AFTB classes. 

I also shared the National Military Family Association's Community Tool Kit with her.  This is an easy to read reference that helps civilians, that may not be familiar with the community, learn about Military Families and how to connect and support.  I really, really love these Tool Kits.  The Association also has a Military Child Tool Kit and a Military Teen Tool Kit that is perfect for sharing with teachers, pediatricians, guidance counselors, sports coaches, etc.  The Tool Kits came out of the Association's Operation Purple camps...they share what Military Children want you to know about them and about how they approach their life. The Association also completed a massive study in 2010 through the RAND corporation on Military Children. The results of this study are so humbling.  Our Military Children are so brave, so adventurous and so proud.  It makes my mommy heart just about burst.  To download a copy of the Tool Kits for free, order hard copies, read the report from the RAND study and check out the other Publications of the Association,  go to http://www.militaryfamily.org/publications/

I challenge you to look around your community, your friends and even your family.  Are you, as a Military Family, connecting with your community?  Do you feel like your community supports you or do you think they just don’t get it?  What about your civilian friends?  Your civilian family members?  I encourage you to share the resources at your local installation with them and talk about your experiences. You can be the bridge and the connection for them and help them learn and support other military families.

*This story appeared, in part, in National Military Family Association's "The Voice for Military Families" in the June/July 2012 edition.  For more information, www.militaryfamily.org.