All I Know about Parenting, I Learned from a Gambler

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

~ The Gambler lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Sung by Kenny Rogers, Written by Don Schlitz

You've got to know when to hold 'em 

Kids need all the love, snuggles and affection you can give them. I don't believe in too much loving! When faced with tears, you've got to know when they  need extra love love and snuggles. Know when they need reassurance. And, when faced with the fake-cry, know when to tell them to "drive on, soldier."

You've got to know when to fold 'em

You know what I'm talking about...know when to thrown in the cards. You've got to realize when you are asking too much of a child. You've got to realize when you're holding on to a rule or drawing a line that's not worth the fight. And when the catastrophic meltdown occurs, you've got to assess when the situation is salvageable and when it's time to just head home or go to bed.  

Know when to walk away.

Your kids will push your buttons, until you are just about exploding. Know when to walk away.  They will push boundaries and test you to gauge your reaction. Walk away and show them the behavior didn't raise your eyebrows. One day they will grow up and step outside of your comfort zone...you'll have to let them do it as you walk away.

Know when to run.

Follow your instincts. When you have that feeling that your baby's in danger...run. When they are sick and you just know something isn't right...run. When you hear the cry that sends chills of fear down your spine...run. Remember that catastrophic meltdown? Yeah, go ahead and run. But, also remember to run when you're in a big open field of grass; run with joy.  

You never count your money while you're sitting at the table.

Don't congratulate yourself on a well-behaved dinner out while you're still in the restaurant. Don't compare your kids to others. Don't congratulate yourself on how well-behaved, smart or talented your kids area. Don't congratulate yourself on being an awesome parent.

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

 Your babies will be grown and gone someday and you'll have decades to rehash how you raised them, how wonderful they are and how awesome of a parent you were. Or you'll look back and see areas where you wish you'd done better. Spend your time now focusing on doing the absolute best you can so you don't regret anything in the future. And remember that restaurant? If you're still sitting at the table, there's still time for a kid to chuck a spoon and a nearby patron or sneeze snotwads onto a bald man's head as you're walkin' out the door. 

Just Acknowledge the Suck

Let me start by saying, I love my children fiercely, with passion and more than I ever thought possible. There is NOTHING on this planet that could replace them.

Now that I've made that clear...I just need to say that days/weeks/months like this make me year for they days when I went to an office each day. 

I'm worn out.  Exhausted. My house is a wreck. I have a to-do list a mile long.  Miraculously, my laundry is done. I'm not even sure how I've managed that.

I'm in the midst of "sick kids."  I'm not joking or exaggerating when I say that the kids, collectively have been healthy a grand total of 6 days in the last month. We started out February with a cold.  After a couple day recovery, we rolled right into a upper respiratory virus that included conjunctivitis.  Oh yeah...viral pink eye x 3. Then, Monster Boy ended up with bacterial conjunctivitis, probably from rubbing his little eyes so much with the viral version. Awesome.  I managed to dodge the conjunctivitis portion but did get one doozie of a head cold and spent a weekend in bed.  We had one week at the beginning of March where all were healthy and cautiously ventured out.  Then we had a stomach bug that morphed into another chest cold type thing that had Bunny Girl couch-ridden for three days.  Just as I declared her "safe,"  Monster Boy had his turn. 

Soldier's been on a crazy training rotation for about two months.  I think he's had two days off?  Maybe?  I honestly can't remember, that's how few.  He leaves around 5am, comes home around 8pm, eats dinner and is sound asleep by 9:30. 

I'm weary...of illness...of the rotations...of the messy house...of the sloth I feel because I sit around the house all day snuggling sick, whiny kids...I'm weary.

Now, before you try to cheer me up, Please...just don't.  I know all the "right" responses:

• The "Older Mom" Response:   It goes fast.  Cherish those snuggles. [I have. Every day. All day. For 30 days.]

•  The "Army Wife" Response:  Be glad your husband's not deployed. [I am. But seriously...if he was totally in the field or TDY, I would get a break from meal prep, cleaning up after his breakfast dishes and the excessive piles of laundry that magically appear in the back of his HMMWV to bring home for me.]

• The Christian Response:  Cherish your role and God-given responsibilities.  Throw in a few quotes from Titus 2 or Proverbs 31.   Bring your weariness to Jesus and lay it at his feet. [Got it. Doing it. Thanks for the sympathetic reminder and for making me feel like an even bigger failure than I did before. Clearly, you have it all together, all the time.]

 Could we, for just one moment, skip that part and just acknowledge the "Suck?"  Seriously.  I just want to hear someone say: Yes, this sucks. I can see that you are about to loose your mind, pull your hair out, run away from home and drink heavily until everything seems fuzzy.  I understand that you might climb out of your skin the next time a child drapes him or herself on you instead of using the lovely chairs and couches you have for sitting.  I will ask you questions because I know that you are using every ounce of love and patience you have to sweetly reply "Yes, Honey?" when a little person calls your name for the 47th time in thirty seconds.  In fact, I won't speak to you at all because I know your brain is full and simply can not follow another conversation right now.  I'm just going to let you sit, still and quiet because you haven't had that lately.  I'll  stay with your sick kids so you can go away to be still and quiet because this moment sucks.

I would hug the person, maybe cry out of exhaustion and frustration.  And then, I would hug my babies tighter and politely tell the kind soul that there was no way I could leave them when they felt so miserable and needed extra love from their Mama.  [Truthfully, I'm not very good at leaving them when they are healthy, but that's a crisis for another day!]

The S- Word

Sequestration.

I can honestly say that this was not a word in my vocabulary until recently.  If you aren't up to speed on the federal budget situation and the looming automatic spending cuts,  the National Military Family Association has several very good blog posts that give a glimpse of how this impacts military families.   Defense Secretary Leon Panetta issued a follow-up memo recently that states the vast majority of the DOD civilian workforce would be placed on Administrative Furlough if sequestration occurs. 

What we don't know right now is what those furloughs look like, despite being nearly two weeks into this and two weeks days away from the expiration of the current funding.  Will programs be closed completely?  Restricted in operating hours? Operating on reduced staffing?  Will Military Families be able to utilize services that we rely up on. Of particular concern for me is the Child Development Centers.  During previous "crisis" scenarios, they have been deemed mission-essential however there has been no guarantee for this yet.  Rumors are swirling that the services might be restricted to dual-service members or single-parent service members.   If this happens, spouses that rely upon this for civilian employment, may be left in the lurch.  There are quite a few military spouses that are employed as DOD Civilians, so in addition to facing furloughs they could face paying for childcare they won't use just to keep their slot reserved.

For my family, there's a fair amount of uncertainty. We are awaiting PCS orders. Mysteriously, the RFO and orders promised to us by January have been pushed to February and now "sometime in March or April."  This is purely speculation on my part, but I am a tad nervous that crazy budget-related things could happen to derail this much-anticipated (and very important from a career standpoint) PCS.  I've been looking into housing and schools at the new location. I've been unable to make any decisions about preschool for Bunny Girl since the CDC at the new location isn't confident they will have the staff to offer the Preschool program.
It's very sad to see how programs are being abandoned and fees are being raised for various programs. The net effect of these budget cuts are that military families are absorbing the cuts into our family budget.  (While facing fewer services, longer waits for necessary service like healthcare and other cuts.)

I don't know what the future will look like for Army families. I firmly believe that Army families are resilient and have proven themselves resourceful and adept at making-do, improvising and rallying to meet a need.  I just regret that the lessons we learned post 9/11 about supporting military families may be lost.