Today I saw a decision I made over a year ago, pay off in a very rewarding way. It was a small decision, something that didn’t seem monumental at the time. However, even tiny decisions can have both positive and negative impacts in large and small ways. This particular decision had some minor negative impacts in the short term but a hugely positive impact in the long run. It wasn’t a particularly big decision, nothing that required months of research or anything like that, but it was one of those every day dilemmas that I normally would have discussed with Soldier before making a decision. Unfortunately, he was in Iraq at the time and though we had communication, it was limited and it just wasn’t possible or practical to discuss every single thing with him before deciding.
This scenario is something faced by all military spouses at some point…whether it’s a field exercise, TDY, a deployment, or even just a range where the soldiers aren’t getting cell signal. Sometimes these decisions are related to life-altering events: a severe illness, a death in the family, a job change, buying a house. Sometimes the decisions relate to big financial actions or big parenting dilemmas. But, most frequently, the decisions you will be faced with are ones like mine…small, mundane, every day questions. Should I let the kids go to so-and-so’s house? Should I go out to dinner with these gals at that place? Do we have ice cream before dinner? Do the kids get to watch this movie? Should I buy those pillows for the couch? These are real questions that need to be answered sooner or later, but they don’t necessarily make for great conversation when you do get your soldier’s full attention…whether it’s for 5 minutes on a static-y connection or for 15 minutes before they pass out from a hard day’s work.
As military couples, we know we must work to make our relationship strong and develop a mutual understanding and respect so that we can survive a deployment. But, this strength, communication and respect that we foster before they go to the field can help carry those of us left behind in this decision making process. Can you objectively assess how your spouse would likely react to any of the given issues? Do you know which issues tend to be “hot button” issues for you both? Can you objectively relate your spouse’s position on those issues, even if they differ from yours? This knowledge and perspective, plus using those good old fashioned critical thinking skills, will help you determine when you can make a decision on behalf of you and your spouse, as a couple, on these every day dilemmas. This may even help you with knowing where the line is on those “bigger” decisions.
If you aren’t sure you know how your spouse might react to certain situations, take the time to talk with him/her now. If you know you might have “big” questions coming up, ask your spouse’s thoughts on them now. My husband and I had to do this quite a bit before his last deployment. His grandfather had been ill for quite some time, was living in a skilled nursing facility and had been going steadily downhill over the last six months. No one was sure how long he would survive and we knew there was a possibility that Soldier would be deployed when his grandfather passed away. We talked about whether or not he would want a Red Cross Message sent and whether he would want to try to return home for the funeral. Without having asked, I probably would have sent the message, since that’s what spouses are told to do when there’s a death in the family. Soldier had a different perspective. He told me he didn’t want a message sent if we were managing weekly or bi-weekly communication. He explained there was nothing he could do to change the circumstances or to help since his father, uncles and cousins were living in the immediate area and he doubted he’d get a flight back in time for the funeral anyway. More importantly, I was pregnant with Bunny Girl and he wasn’t willingto use an emergency leave situation or his R & R time going to his grandfather’s funeral when it could mean not being able to come home if I needed him or so he could meet our newborn. I was touched by his reasoning and honestly, never would have considered the matter that way.
Through conversations like this and other “what-if” scenarios, I feel that I have a pretty solid understanding of my husband’s perspective. So, last year when I was approached, at separate times, by our parents wanting to take Monster Boy (then 2½) to his first big screen movie experience, I confidently said no. I explained that, first of all, I thought he was a little too young still, and, more importantly, his father loved movies, loved movie theaters and the big screen experience. Though we’d never discussed it, I knew that Soldier would want to take our little Monster Boy to his first movie. Neither parent was particularly pleased with my answer, since they felt it wasn’t a big deal and I was being unreasonable. However, in my heart, I knew what Soldier Boy would want. During deployments, he missed so much with the kids that a bit of disappointment from our parents would be worth it to save this special adventure for just Daddy and Son.
Soldier took Monster Boy to see Cars 2 today. He planned their outing out a week ahead and talked about it every night. Monster Boy was excited about his special adventure with Daddy, but was a little scared of the movie. They had popcorn, gummy bears and even shared a little soda. (I wasn’t too thrilled about the soda, but I rolled my eyes and let it go.) Monster Boy loved it and has been talking about the movie, his popcorn and treats and his Daddy Adventure since then. Soldier told me how fun and special it was for him and it just warmed my heart.
I made the right decision for my family and I am proud that I stood my ground, even when it seemed inconsequential to others.
