Panic!

In case you were wondering, it took exactly seven days of home school for panic to set it.  It also happens to be the day that public school starts in our area. Coincidence? Probably not! 

Yesterday, as we were cruising to swim lessons, Monster Boy asked me when he would be starting Kindergarten. 

Uhhhh. What?

"We already started Kindergarten, honey.  That's what we are going in Mommy School."

"No, Mama. When am I going to the big school with all the other kids???"

I did my best to explain that there are many ways to go to school: one is going to the big school and another is doing school at home with Mommy.  I can't help but feel that the conversation didn't go well because he seemed disappointed.  Now, perhaps he was just miffed he didn't get a spiffy new backpack or a ride on the big yellow bus.  I don't know.   I wanted to be so careful in my answer because I didn't want to paint either option in a better light, give him false fears of going to school without mommy, or anything like that.   In the end, it was enough to trigger a massive onslaught of Mommy-Anxiety.

I've spent the last 24 hours in a mild to moderate state of anxiety over various related and unrelated worries. (Because you know anxiety is not rational.) 

What if he WANTS to be in school with other kids?
What if he would actually assimilate just fine and I'm hovering?
How do I know he's actually learning anything?
Why did I commit to this if I wasn't sure I could do it forever? Isn't that mean to throw him in with the sharks later? (Yes, I know...comparing elementary, middle or high school students to sharks is unfair. Well, maybe not middle schoolers; 13 year olds can be viscous.) 
Why did I think I could manage this?

Coinciding with this anxiety episode were a couple of things that magnified the problem:
The First Day of school at public schools. (Feels like the point of no return. He missed the first day of school. Sh*t just got real.)
Soldier decided to add in a Master's Program to this year of intensive and time-consuming Army study.  (Before I was thinking I'd be on my own a lot this year. Now I KNOW it.)
I had to fire our housekeeper. (Frivolous, yes. But, I did get some confidence in knowing I'd have a little bit of help.)
I "overheard" (in the "showed up on my Facebook timeline" sense) a close relative making some very pointed and hurtful remarks about homeschooling. 

Finally, toss in a hefty does of pregnancy hormones and you've got a hot mess.  Our day of school went exceptionally well, despite my worries and emotional state.  I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed and teary. (I blame hormones for those annoying tears!)  I'm praying that I can regain my confidence in the decision we made and that it was the right one.

Confession: While I wrote this, I binge ate a bowl of pita chips and hummus, a bowl of blueberry cobbler and three chocolate chip cookies.  Gross food comfort.