Hard Won Victory!

On Sunday, when we picked up BunnyGirl from Children's Church, she came out to show off her artwork from that morning.  When I admired her art, my motherly admiration turned to shock when I realized she had written her name at the top of her paper.  All. By. Herself. Seriously.  I was simply blown away.  She had the right letters, in the right order, in a straight line and it was quite legible. She even remembered to capitalize the first letter.

Look, I know my kid is not the first to write her name.  But, I'm thrilled over this.  We have LABORED, and I mean HARD LABOR, over our handwriting for the last six weeks.  There were tears, frustration and anger; from her, from me, from both of us sometimes.  I struggled with explaining things to her. She struggled with understanding what I wanted.  We're just both so new to this that we're learning together.  She has a tremendous heart and kept trying, even when she was discouraged and frustrated. Even when I begged her to give it a break because I was pulling my hair out over the letter A that looked more like an H. She's got the desire to learn and WANTS to do so much but she just needs some foundation first.  I've found teaching her cute little preschool self much harder than the Kinder and 1st Grade work I'm doing with MonsterBoy and I think it's because she wants to race ahead and I forget that she needs the basics. We struggled so much that I literally could not bring myself to make the phone call withdrawing her from the very popular preschool program until the week after school started. (Yes, I'm terrible and I'm very sorry to the parents that we waiting and hoping for her coveted morning 3yo slot!)

So, tonight I celebrate this victory, a neat little name written at the top of her paper. I'm so proud of my determined little BunnyGirl. 

Panic!

In case you were wondering, it took exactly seven days of home school for panic to set it.  It also happens to be the day that public school starts in our area. Coincidence? Probably not! 

Yesterday, as we were cruising to swim lessons, Monster Boy asked me when he would be starting Kindergarten. 

Uhhhh. What?

"We already started Kindergarten, honey.  That's what we are going in Mommy School."

"No, Mama. When am I going to the big school with all the other kids???"

I did my best to explain that there are many ways to go to school: one is going to the big school and another is doing school at home with Mommy.  I can't help but feel that the conversation didn't go well because he seemed disappointed.  Now, perhaps he was just miffed he didn't get a spiffy new backpack or a ride on the big yellow bus.  I don't know.   I wanted to be so careful in my answer because I didn't want to paint either option in a better light, give him false fears of going to school without mommy, or anything like that.   In the end, it was enough to trigger a massive onslaught of Mommy-Anxiety.

I've spent the last 24 hours in a mild to moderate state of anxiety over various related and unrelated worries. (Because you know anxiety is not rational.) 

What if he WANTS to be in school with other kids?
What if he would actually assimilate just fine and I'm hovering?
How do I know he's actually learning anything?
Why did I commit to this if I wasn't sure I could do it forever? Isn't that mean to throw him in with the sharks later? (Yes, I know...comparing elementary, middle or high school students to sharks is unfair. Well, maybe not middle schoolers; 13 year olds can be viscous.) 
Why did I think I could manage this?

Coinciding with this anxiety episode were a couple of things that magnified the problem:
The First Day of school at public schools. (Feels like the point of no return. He missed the first day of school. Sh*t just got real.)
Soldier decided to add in a Master's Program to this year of intensive and time-consuming Army study.  (Before I was thinking I'd be on my own a lot this year. Now I KNOW it.)
I had to fire our housekeeper. (Frivolous, yes. But, I did get some confidence in knowing I'd have a little bit of help.)
I "overheard" (in the "showed up on my Facebook timeline" sense) a close relative making some very pointed and hurtful remarks about homeschooling. 

Finally, toss in a hefty does of pregnancy hormones and you've got a hot mess.  Our day of school went exceptionally well, despite my worries and emotional state.  I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed and teary. (I blame hormones for those annoying tears!)  I'm praying that I can regain my confidence in the decision we made and that it was the right one.

Confession: While I wrote this, I binge ate a bowl of pita chips and hummus, a bowl of blueberry cobbler and three chocolate chip cookies.  Gross food comfort. 

Off to School We Go

Day One of “Mommy School” is under our belts and I have a moment to catch my breath.  Here’s our school roundup for this year:

1 Abeka Phonics K – I’ve heard nothing but rave reviews about it, so we are giving it a whirl with Monster Boy. Surprise discovery of today was that BunnyGirl was really into it and very put out that she did not have her own worksheets.  I’m debating Xeroxing them, but suspect it would be cheaper and faster to just buy an extra workbook.

2. Sonlight Language Arts – Love all the books in this curriculum.  I’m partial to real books and really want my children to develop a love for reading.  Sonlight’s phonics approach is very…um…flexible and student paced?  OK, the truth is I just don’t get it. So, I’m using Abeka, too.  Sonlight seems to have a more open philosophy that kids will simply absorb the phonics through read-alouds, but I’m not quite that trusting.  Give me some flashcards and rules for sounding it out anyday!  I learned to read with phonics, so that’s probably why that’s clearly my comfort zone.

3. Sonlight World Cultures – This is part of their Curriculum A.  It’s not totally necessary in Kindergarten, but I love the books (again) and love the discussions it promtps with the kiddos. Also, surprise from MonsterBoy was that the Usborne Children’s Encyclopedia is by far is favorite book! He’s obsessed with it and I’m thrilled with that.

4.    Saxon Math 1 – This one I’m still a tad undecided about.  I suspect that Math U See might be better for my super kinesthetic learner, but Saxon’s teaching approach is easier for me to grasp. So, do I work to adapt the kinesthetic approach to something my brain can handle or do I start with something my brain handles and adapt it to him?   I’m using Saxon, but am hoping to include as many manipluatives and visual elements as possible.  If it’s not working at the end of this 8 weeks, I’ll scrap it and jump to Math U See.  I don’t think it’s a huge crisis for us since he’s already got a pretty good basis for numbers, counting, patterns, shapes, ordinal numbers and simple addition and subtraction.  (Thus the reason we jumped to 1 vs the Kinder level)

5.       Handwriting without Tears – I purchased both the 1 and the K workbooks. MonsterBoy is a pretty proficient writer and BunnyGirl seems ready to jump in.  I started with one slate but they both really love it, so I purchased another since they were pretty cheap and a great hands-on activity.

We started off today with swim lessons.  (PE, anyone?!)  Big hit for MonsterBoy, surprise hissy fit from Bunny girl.  I was pretty surprised because she’s been enthusiastic about it before and has done all the skills previously.  Meh. Chalk it up to a mystery and we’ll try again on Wednesday!

When we got home, I was ready to jump into school mode.  Soldier and I decorated our basement and school area with streamers and filled with balloons.  Huge hit! The kiddos were super impressed and excited about it.  Maybe a tad too impressed and excited?? I had a full day of school planned and didn’t quite plan for balloon-madness and general chaos.  It was very hard to marshall their attention for any length of time. I was getting frustrated as the slogged through our first Bible lesson and “circle time” with the calendar, weather and counting.  We counted to thirty with balloons and I needed to regroup. Yup…I had yelled. A whopping 35 minutes into our school year. Awesome. Incidentally, I was able to take comfort in our verse of the day A- All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23 [MEMORIZED. BOOM] It was a good reminder that I will not be perfect in this and will fall short, many, many times this year but by the grace of God I can ask forgiveness and try again.  I left them downstairs smashing through the balloon piles and retreated to the kitchen where I consoled myself with Hershey Kisses and a pep-talk. (“It will get better once we have a routine….it will get better once we have a routine.”)   

I rejoined the fray and grabbed the math book to see what we were working on today. (So much for advance planning. Whoops.)  Can I tell you how thrilled I was to discover our math lesson was on identifying today’s date?  We already went over than during our circle time.  WHOOO-HOOO  (And THANK YOU, Lord for small mercies!!!) We moved on to phonics and everyone really seemed to enjoy that.  Even completing the worksheets was a big hit.  Then we went upstairs and they worked on some handwriting while I prepped lunch. The letter mat with shapes and the chalkboard Wet-Dry-Try was a HUGE hit with both kids.  MonsterBoy made a few letters out of the shapes, then moved on to constructing tractors and other vehicles with the shapes.  Pretty creative. 

After lunch, we took a break and played outside for about 45 minutes. MonsterBoy then asked, yes ASKED, to do more handwriting.  Gee golly, YES!  He reviewed his capital letters. (Glad I went with 1 for him…he’d be bored crazy with K!) Then we moved on to the World Cultures and Science, both of today’s readings were out of the Encyclopedia so he was thrilled. I also discovered they have a website with links to other educational sites related to the info on those pages.  AWESOME! We played around with the websites on the Earth’s layers, the atmosphere and a few others for about 30 minutes. Good stuff.  Then we finished with some snuggling and read-aloud from our Sonlight Readers.  

So, we survived. It wasn’t epic, but I had a few wins and chalk the day up to a success because the kids ASKED to do Mommy School again tomorrow. YAY!!!!

As a side note,  I've deleted my Facebook App from my phone and my iPad in honor of our Homeschool Kick Off.  It's not much but it's a small way of distancing myself from that distraction and freeing up my attention for the kiddos.  I typically only use my laptop every other day or so in the evenings, so that's a comfortable time frame for me to "catch-up" on Facebooking without it being too invasive. I realized how deeply entangled I was today when I saw how frequently I reached for my phone or iPad!  I confess to checking my e-mail obsessively today...partly in substitute and partly because I am anxiously awaiting a reply to a message I sent yesterday.

I also realized now was probably the perfect time to re-read Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst. (Deep thoughts from my much needed lunch break outdoor play time. It's amazing what you can think/accomplish when not sucked in to the FB vortex.)  Unglued is a bible study on our emotions and controlling them. You know, like that moment when I lose it because no one is paying attention to me except for DeeDee and that’s only because she wants me to unwrap yet another piece of chocolate from our “Welcome to School” Goody-bags.  Yeah. Exactly.  Time to get back to work on that messy, icky part of me.  I feel confident that this year will be a whole lot of stretching, growing and uncomfortable lessons. 

Forging onward tomorrow!

The one in which we declare our wierdness

Big changes are coming to our household this year...We've decided to take a giant leap of faith and will be homeschooling our MonsterBoy and Bunny Girl.

It's not easy for me to share that here -- outing ourselves as homeschoolers.  I'm writing this now, nearly a month after we made the decision, only because I've come to some peace with it.  We made this decision knowing that our extended family members and some of our friends will have varying reactions.  It's not easy to "go against the flow."  Homeschooling has come a LONG way since I first heard of it. (In fifth grade, a friend was pulled from school to be homeschooled and the general concensus was "Horrible, terrible, awful idea.")  My views of homeschooling have changed dramatically over the last four years, thanks to some dear friends setting a great example for us.  I'm so very, very grateful for these ladies and their kind, loving and non-judgemental support, their honest advice and opinions, and their never-ending patience in answering my ba-zillion questions as we waded through this decision-making process.  I am thankful that I can rely on their enthusiastic support and encouragement this year.  Reactions have varied among our extended family. Some have withheld judgement and comment so I can't gauge their reaction which is probably a blessing. Some have pledged whole-hearted support, even if I suspect they may not be or may not have been totally on board. (But, can I just say how grateful I am for that unconditional love?) Some have expressed bewilderment nad have peppered us with questions about the process; we've tried to answer as honestly as possible. (Even if the answers are "Um. Yeah, we're going to figure that out as we go.")  And, sadly, some have been negative reactions; this has been the hardest to deal with, of course. (My impulse is toward sarcasm. "Oh...thank you for pointing that out. I had not realized how [insert adjective: hard, exhausting, trying, challenging, time-consuming, etc] it would be." Mature, I know. That's why I try to keep my comments in my head.)

I'd like to say, first off, that this decision is NOT a judgement on schooling choices, for anyone.  It's merely a reflection of our general parenting philosphy: There's a wide range of normal and acceptable ways to parent our children; we each must make decisions we believe are best for our family and make sure they are decisions we can live with.  We believe that homeschooling is simply one of the wide range of options available to us for educating our children.

My dear homeschooling mama friends helped to set me straight on a few homeschooling myths and I am grateful.
1. Most homeschool families aren't in a cult and don't have crazy conspiracy theories about public school brainwashing children.
2. My friends also don't wear denim jumpers. (You might be ridiculed beyond belief and labeled "80's Flashback" if you do.)
3. They like fashion, make-up, going to the movies, listening to music, enjoying desert and a glass of wine. You know, normal stuff.
4. Their children are, in a word, awesome. The homeschool kids I know are well-socialized, outgoing, poised, individuals and generally have a better grasp on holding a conversation with people of diverse backgrounds, ages, interests than most kids.
5.  I've also learned that most of my friends don't have a background in education, college isn't a deciding factor, nor is having been homeschooled themselves. Most were not homeschooled, in fact. Some knew before their kids were born they would homeschool. Some decided after school started and wasn't a good fit. Others were more like me: reluctant, semi-unwilling skeptics.
 
For us, we chose homeschooling because it seems to make sense for us to try right now.  We have toyed with the idea for the last few years, but did not share this with many people.  We have no clue whether this will be a forever thing and frankly that's waaaaaay too much pressure to deal with at this point. So, we've simply made this decision for RIGHT NOW.  Literally, a month to month basis. Worst Case Scenario:  In a few months, we call this a failed experiment and we put him in school.  He's bright enough and has enough knowledge and skills under his belt that we probably won't ruin his chances at Harvard in Kindergarten.

This started because we worried that MonsterBoy would not do well in a traditional school environment. We saw this in preschool and had one outstanding teacher that helped us identify the cause. He's very high energy and had been labeled a trouble-maker by his previous preschool teachers. We'd get reports that he was bothering the other kids and being disruptive. Finally, last year, when I asked his teacher about this she laughed and said, "No, he's not a trouble maker...he's very, very bored. He picks up the new material in two minutes, finishes his worksheet about three minutes later and then has 20 minutes to be bored while the other kids finish their work." She was incredible and did extra work to plan additional assignments and learning tasks for him, so he stayed engage. Once this started, we  didn't have a single problem or complaint. He LOVED school.  Unfortunately, our experience has been that exceptional teachers like hers are true gems -- rare, precious and not always available.  Sadly for us, she was promoted to Director of the  preschool programs in halfway through last year. Suddenly, MonsterBoy reverted to old behaviors and we started getting the same reports each day from his new teachers about his disruptions and bothering the other children. I coached MonsterBoy to ask his teachers for paper and crayons to entertain himself while the otehr kids were working.  This worked to occupy him but it always made me a little sad when he came home with 8-12 elaborate vehicle sketches; it seemed like such a wasted opportunity. We worry that this pattern will repeat itself over the next few years and that he will be labeled a trouble-maker, or worse.  I'm not saying he's brilliant or the next Einstein, just that he works at a different pace than some other students.  With homeschooling, we have the flexibility to move as fast or as slow as needed.  If I'm picking his course work, I can select levels that challenge him.  I've selected a mix of kindergarten and first grade work for this year, because I believe he can do it.

The other big factor in this is the "Army-ness."  There are several compelling Army-related reasons for us.  First, I grew up a product of moving schools each year.  Generally, it was fine but I did experience some of the troubles of switching school districts and curriculum so frequently. If we continue this for several years, we have the benefit of a consistent learning plan.  We also don't have to worry about whether or not the school district in a new location will have programs or educational offerings suitable to him.  Second, Army schedules are unpredictable. We never know when Soldier will have time off, beyond two designated block leave periods that are generally during the most expensive travel weeks of the year. With four kids, we can't afford that! Since I control the class schedule, I can plan a week off  in February to visit family when flights are cheap. If Soldier's in the field for a month, I can pack up our books and skip town for several weeks to visit family. This year, I'm doing a eight week on, one week off schedule so I have time to regroup and reassess while we experiment. I'm also scheduling a month long break in December when Baby #4 arrives. We will still get the same number of instructional days as the public school. The upside: I can accomplish in 2-4 hours a day when it takes a school 7-8 hours to do because I'm only managing one kid.

The last reason for this decision is something I referenced earlier. While I don't have some big conspiracy theory about public schools, I do question their ability to meet my son's educational needs needs and keep him safe and happy. We won't always have outstanding teachers and we won't always have diligent staff members watching our kids at the schools and on the buses. He won't always have someone who realizes if he isn't mastering a subject. I'm not knocking public school...I'm just saying that I am aware of both the strengths and weaknesses.  In general, I find it very troubling that the US has the highest per capita expenditures on public education yet we have some of the most dismal results. There's a big disconnect for me. We've looked into private school and discovered a couple of things. First, private schools do not always have "better teachers" or better programs. Second, with four kids we will NOT be able to float that bill!

I won't lie and pretend this was an easy decision for us. First and foremost: I worried that I wasn't "enough" for this: not smart enough, not organized enough, not disciplined enough, not creative enough, sooooo not patient enough, etc, etc, etc. Those were some HUGE fears for me...especially patience and organization. What if I lost my cool every day or I never got a single thing done??  On the selfish side, I also was reluctant to give up what little free time I have. I don't have much, but it was nice to grocery shop with one kid when the other two were at preschool. Over the last 8 years of Army Life, I've enjoyed participating in activities like PWOC, the spouses' clubs, FRGs and other volunteer outlets. I'm not certain I will have time for all of that. I had ambitions of seeing the inside of a gym later this year and actually trying to regain a shape other than round and jiggly after this baby. I also wanted to go back to school myself at some point and maybe rejoin the workforce that receives pay for our work someday. I felt like I was giving up a lot. And sometimes I still do. This is where my friends came in...turns out they all feel like that. Several shared their personal struggles and dreams; I'm fortified knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings.  I'm also encouraged in knowing that normal woman can do this and they still have social lives, hopes, dreams and ambitions.  More to the point on school, work and the gym: If I'm being honest, those were all a long way off anyway with #4 coming. So, worrying about that is borrowing trouble.

In the end, we're experimenting this year to see if it works for us.  MonsterBoy is bright and has learned a lot in preschool.  We're giving it a whirl. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't, no big deal and we'll enroll him in school whenever we need to.  I am confident enough in our ability to muddle through that I don't think he'd be terribly behind if that happened.  So, onward we go with our grand experiment.  I don't have all the answers yet, but we've chosen our curriculum, sketched out a school calendar and a daily routine.  The rest, I plan to make up as we go on! 

All I Know about Parenting, I Learned from a Gambler

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

~ The Gambler lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Sung by Kenny Rogers, Written by Don Schlitz

You've got to know when to hold 'em 

Kids need all the love, snuggles and affection you can give them. I don't believe in too much loving! When faced with tears, you've got to know when they  need extra love love and snuggles. Know when they need reassurance. And, when faced with the fake-cry, know when to tell them to "drive on, soldier."

You've got to know when to fold 'em

You know what I'm talking about...know when to thrown in the cards. You've got to realize when you are asking too much of a child. You've got to realize when you're holding on to a rule or drawing a line that's not worth the fight. And when the catastrophic meltdown occurs, you've got to assess when the situation is salvageable and when it's time to just head home or go to bed.  

Know when to walk away.

Your kids will push your buttons, until you are just about exploding. Know when to walk away.  They will push boundaries and test you to gauge your reaction. Walk away and show them the behavior didn't raise your eyebrows. One day they will grow up and step outside of your comfort zone...you'll have to let them do it as you walk away.

Know when to run.

Follow your instincts. When you have that feeling that your baby's in danger...run. When they are sick and you just know something isn't right...run. When you hear the cry that sends chills of fear down your spine...run. Remember that catastrophic meltdown? Yeah, go ahead and run. But, also remember to run when you're in a big open field of grass; run with joy.  

You never count your money while you're sitting at the table.

Don't congratulate yourself on a well-behaved dinner out while you're still in the restaurant. Don't compare your kids to others. Don't congratulate yourself on how well-behaved, smart or talented your kids area. Don't congratulate yourself on being an awesome parent.

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

 Your babies will be grown and gone someday and you'll have decades to rehash how you raised them, how wonderful they are and how awesome of a parent you were. Or you'll look back and see areas where you wish you'd done better. Spend your time now focusing on doing the absolute best you can so you don't regret anything in the future. And remember that restaurant? If you're still sitting at the table, there's still time for a kid to chuck a spoon and a nearby patron or sneeze snotwads onto a bald man's head as you're walkin' out the door. 

Just Acknowledge the Suck

Let me start by saying, I love my children fiercely, with passion and more than I ever thought possible. There is NOTHING on this planet that could replace them.

Now that I've made that clear...I just need to say that days/weeks/months like this make me year for they days when I went to an office each day. 

I'm worn out.  Exhausted. My house is a wreck. I have a to-do list a mile long.  Miraculously, my laundry is done. I'm not even sure how I've managed that.

I'm in the midst of "sick kids."  I'm not joking or exaggerating when I say that the kids, collectively have been healthy a grand total of 6 days in the last month. We started out February with a cold.  After a couple day recovery, we rolled right into a upper respiratory virus that included conjunctivitis.  Oh yeah...viral pink eye x 3. Then, Monster Boy ended up with bacterial conjunctivitis, probably from rubbing his little eyes so much with the viral version. Awesome.  I managed to dodge the conjunctivitis portion but did get one doozie of a head cold and spent a weekend in bed.  We had one week at the beginning of March where all were healthy and cautiously ventured out.  Then we had a stomach bug that morphed into another chest cold type thing that had Bunny Girl couch-ridden for three days.  Just as I declared her "safe,"  Monster Boy had his turn. 

Soldier's been on a crazy training rotation for about two months.  I think he's had two days off?  Maybe?  I honestly can't remember, that's how few.  He leaves around 5am, comes home around 8pm, eats dinner and is sound asleep by 9:30. 

I'm weary...of illness...of the rotations...of the messy house...of the sloth I feel because I sit around the house all day snuggling sick, whiny kids...I'm weary.

Now, before you try to cheer me up, Please...just don't.  I know all the "right" responses:

• The "Older Mom" Response:   It goes fast.  Cherish those snuggles. [I have. Every day. All day. For 30 days.]

•  The "Army Wife" Response:  Be glad your husband's not deployed. [I am. But seriously...if he was totally in the field or TDY, I would get a break from meal prep, cleaning up after his breakfast dishes and the excessive piles of laundry that magically appear in the back of his HMMWV to bring home for me.]

• The Christian Response:  Cherish your role and God-given responsibilities.  Throw in a few quotes from Titus 2 or Proverbs 31.   Bring your weariness to Jesus and lay it at his feet. [Got it. Doing it. Thanks for the sympathetic reminder and for making me feel like an even bigger failure than I did before. Clearly, you have it all together, all the time.]

 Could we, for just one moment, skip that part and just acknowledge the "Suck?"  Seriously.  I just want to hear someone say: Yes, this sucks. I can see that you are about to loose your mind, pull your hair out, run away from home and drink heavily until everything seems fuzzy.  I understand that you might climb out of your skin the next time a child drapes him or herself on you instead of using the lovely chairs and couches you have for sitting.  I will ask you questions because I know that you are using every ounce of love and patience you have to sweetly reply "Yes, Honey?" when a little person calls your name for the 47th time in thirty seconds.  In fact, I won't speak to you at all because I know your brain is full and simply can not follow another conversation right now.  I'm just going to let you sit, still and quiet because you haven't had that lately.  I'll  stay with your sick kids so you can go away to be still and quiet because this moment sucks.

I would hug the person, maybe cry out of exhaustion and frustration.  And then, I would hug my babies tighter and politely tell the kind soul that there was no way I could leave them when they felt so miserable and needed extra love from their Mama.  [Truthfully, I'm not very good at leaving them when they are healthy, but that's a crisis for another day!]

Make time for SOMETHING: Body Image Pt 2

As I wrote the other day, I’ve become very convicted that my lifestyle is not as healthy as it should be.  I’m not calling this a New Year’s Resolution because I hate them…I never keep it up and then it implies I must wait until January to try again. Failure on whatever I undertake is inevitable.  No, that’s not being a Debbie Downer, it’s just realistic. If I set a goal of eating no sugar or making it to the gym three times a week, I’m going to slip and eat a cookie.  Maybe twelve.  I’m going to miss a day at the gym, probably because I’m sick or have a sick kid, or maybe all at once.  And, honestly, I’ve tried to figure out how to revamp my weekly routine to fit in gym time three times a week and I am truly at a loss. I applaud those of you that manage this because I know that if I tried, it would be unsustainable. I’d go all-in for the first week or two and then fall off hard when I hit a bump. To take a page from the annoyingly-perky FlyLady, my perfectionism is crippling me.

So, I’m NOT setting a goal to run a 5K.  I’m NOT pledging to make it to the gym once, twice or three times a week.  I’m NOT embarking on a 30 day workout or a 30 day diet overhaul.  I’m NOT doing it because I know I will get discouraged waaaaaaay before that. 

My goal is to do SOMETHING.  Because SOMETHING is better than nothing. Maybe I will be super motivated and actually set foot in the fitness center on post.   Maybe I will make time for a DVD workout with the littles….they do get a big kick out of it.  Maybe I will throw some kettlebells and practice Olympic lifts with soldier. But, maybe I will do [baby]weighted squats holding a grouchy DeeDee while I make dinner.  Maybe I will sneak in a few stretches as I sit on the floor playing babydolls or trains.  I might even work in a few pushups while I pick up Legos each night.  Just, please, don’t peek on us through the windows because that probably looks like a whole lotta strange. 

I have some fitness fanatic friends [and a husband] that would argue this is not enough.  And, I agree, it’s not and I’m not going to look like Jillian Michaels or her fabulously toned assistants.  But, for me…it’s enough. I simply want to look back at the week and be happy because because I did SOMETHING, which is an improvement over NOTHING.   

Mother of Girls: Body Image Blog Part 1

I’ve been a mother to a girl for three years and a mother to two girls for one year.  Having daughters has had me mulling over the issue of healthy body image, pretty much since we were told GIRL during the ultrasound. Before each child was born, I’ve spent time thinking about what they would be like and what I wanted to teach them.   With my first, I focused on general life skills. I wanted to teach them about love, kindness, compassion, critical thinking and integrity.  With my second, my daughter, I wanted her to have all of that but I realized I wanted her to be self-assured both in her personality and mental fortitude but also secure in the strength of her physical self. For each of my girls, I can’t say that I didn’t hope she would be pretty or that I hoped she wouldn’t struggle with weight.  I did…and I feel like it’s natural to wish unpleasantness or hurt feelings far away from our sweet children. I just didn’t want these things to be barriers to their happiness.

I struggled with determining how to teach this to my girls.  Especially after each of my sweet girls was born and I stood in from of my mirror each morning, poking my flabby belly and stretched out boobs.  It was hardest after BunnyGirl was born.  I had more stretch marks and had gained more weight.  It took longer for me to lose the weight from her and it seemed like my hips had permanently shifted.  She nursed longer and more ravenously than her older brother. I had trouble keeping up with the calorie demands and lost weight rapidly the last couple of months.  When she was weaned, I was left with two withered, deflated balloons on my chest in lieu of boobs, I saw bony and my clothes hung off of me.

I wish I could say that I triumphed, learned to love myself, developed healthy exercise routines and became a brand new me, but that’s not true. I rolled over and played dead.  I ignored the problem.  Eventually, the weight disappeared, the skin’s elasticity (mostly) returned.  WOW, right? I lost all that baby weight and didn’t do a thing?  I must be soooo lucky.  Yup.  Great.  Only problem was: I didn’t like myself any better than before.  Before, I was too fat and squishy from having a baby. Now, I was too skinny, too bony, and still had saggy skin on my belly.  Oh the irony…to first be troubled because I was too fat and then to be too skinny.

One morning, reality hit me right in the face when my sweet 2 year old ran up, grabbed my belly and said “Squishy mommy!” as I was getting dressed.  She then lifted her shirt and poke her perfectly round baby belly the same way I did and used the “F” word.  (The three letter one: Fat.)

How could I teach my girls to love themselves, imperfections and all, when I couldn’t extend the same love to myself?  Ouch. 

Over and over since becoming a mother, I’ve been faced with the reality that there are no shortcuts in parenting.  I can’t teach my two year old to control his temper if I can’t control mine.  I can’t teach them to love vegetables, if I never eat them myself. I can’t teach them patience, if I have none for them.  I can’t teach them to love and accept their healthy bodies when I don’t love mine. 

I tried to focus on the good.  My body, stretch marks and sagginess (especially where I had that unfortunate belly ring as a college student), grew three beautiful children. Big ones, at that.  My body was able to give birth to them easily. My sad, saggy boobs had created milk for over 41 months and had nourished and provided comfort to three babies.  My hands held tiny hands, smoothed back feathery-fine baby hair and stroked soft baby cheeks.  My voice sang lullabies that were comforting to them. To my little boy and little girl, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, right now and just as I am.  Can’t that be enough?

It is and yet, it isn’t.  It wasn’t enough for me because I knew that deep down, I could do more. This is where I draw the line between beauty and health.  I can live with my imperfections; I can use makeup, clever undergarments and flattering clothes to feel beautiful.   I can bury negative comments for my daughters’ sake and teach them to feel beautiful.  But, it wasn’t beauty that was the important thing.  More than beauty, I want them to be healthy, in both mind and body.  That doesn’t come from pep-talks and encouragement.

I have realized that I am not healthy and am not modeling a healthy lifestyle for them.  I’m not caring for myself the way I would want them to care for themselves. I don’t value myself enough to place my health and well-being as a priority and that is NOT an example I want them to have.  I don’t mean taking “me”-time for a haircut or a massage, though that’s surely a nice morning out and a good mental break.  I mean the hard, ugly work it takes and the unpleasantness that comes with really, truly exercising.   Just as there are no shortcuts in parenting, there are no shortcuts to exercise.  No DVD, no contraption, no machine is going to replace actually doing something with your arms and legs.  It may be unpleasant and it may not be fun, but I need to change the way I treat my body…image and physical form…for my children’s sake.

Part Two: Practicing What I Preach and Making Time