Loving My Military Man

Previously, I wrote a post inspired by my mother that focused around some of the sacrifices Military Spouses make for our Soldier’s careers. 

Something weighed on my mind afterwards:  this notion of “sacrifice” for our spouse.  Words that my husband said once to friends of ours at a party returned to my mind.  They ladies were talking about jobs they had before getting married, jobs they’d like to have eventually.  Someone asked about me and my husband replied,  “She’s got big dreams. I’m holding her back!”   He played it off as a joke, but I wondered if there was a hint of truth in it.  Could my husband think that he’s holding me back?  Does he believe that I sacrifice too much for him?  Does he believe that I’m unhappy or resent him for that?  Could he think that I regret my decision to marry him and follow him?  These things really tugged at my heart strings.

So, to ensure clarity:  Yes, if I knew then what I know now, I would definitely change my answer to his proposal. He asked “How would you feel about being an Army wife?”  I said “Well, I think I could probably handle it.”   Instead, I would have said “Heck YES! Let’s get married NOW because I can’t wait to start this adventure with you!”

Rather than dwell on our sacrifice, Let’s look at what we GET!

1. Adventure:   I’ve ridden around in Strykers, I’ve attended numerous Live Fire Demos, I’ve had the opportunity to “play” with and fire numerous weapons. I’ve met the President of the United States.  Those are some of my more exciting adventures. I’ve also had some challenging adventures – they aren’t necessarily fun, but I’m thankful for the opportunity to realize that I am tougher than I look and that God really doesn’t give you more than HE can handle!  I’ve been pregnant twice during deployments.  My husband made it home both times and we had Hallmark Moment reunions. (One was a Christmas surprise!) 

2. Travel: I am moving to Germany.  I am not paying for it. That’s right…an all expense paid trip to tour Europe, complete with my own house, my own bed and my own car.   Do I really need to explain more? 

3. Freedom:  A few years ago, I had the opportunity to interview Joanne Holbrook Patton for an article.  She’s lovely…really, really lovely.  I was so nervous but she was easy to talk to and so kind to my bumbling interviewer tactics.  I will never forget one point she shared with me about being an Army Spouse.  She said that we have opportunities not available to those in the civilian world. She described how, across the Military, spouses that see a need in their community come together to create change or improve their world for the better.  For example, the National Military Family Association was founded by spouses literally stalking Congressional offices to lobby for Survivor Benefits.  Today’s Family Readiness groups were borne from social groups that units formed to provide information and social opportunities to the spouses. This really crystallized for me this past year.  I served on the board for the Fort Bliss spouses club. In the course of my duties, I found myself standing in an empty old commissary and Mrs. Patton’s words floated through my head.  The building was in the process of being gutted and rebuilt as a new Thrift shop and activity center for the post. I was there waiting for my turn to brief the Commanding General on this project. I had spent the last few months discussing the design, blueprints and construction with well-educated architects, highly paid industrial design consultants and electrical engineers.  I help run a 501c(3) with a budget of  well over $200,000.  We gave away about $50,000 annually directly to people in our community.  I was trusted with steering a construction project with a budget of $100,000.  But, I am an unemployed, stay-at-home mom. That’s one heck of an opportunity!

4. Action Figure Husband:   My husband is a real life action hero.  Not to brag, but he’s a stud.  He’s handsome, well-muscled and fit.  And he has an ethical code that would rival any superhero’s. 

5. Passion, Drama, Romance, Suspense:  Really, most people have to go to a movie theater for this kind of stuff!   Some of it is great – like that first jubilant hug and kiss as you welcome your soldier home from a deployment.  Some of it is not great, such as waiting out that deployment.  There’s suspense and agony, joy and heartache in deployments.  But, boy is there Romance!  Most couples get one honeymoon period after their marriage. Military couples get a honeymoon period after long TDY’s,  field exercises, deployments and during R&Rs.  

What do you love best about being a Military Spouse?

I don't know how to...

As Army Wives, we pride ourselves on our ability to do anything, when necessary.  Mechanic, landscaper, plumber, soccer coach, appliance repair, exterminator, boy scout  camp counselor and general handyman are all roles that come to mind.  While my kids aren’t old enough to do camping trips yet, I’ll lay claim to all of the above; I’m really pretty useful to have around.  My father raised a rather independent girl. He was quite the Mr. Fix-It and I was a Daddy’s Girl, so I remember tagging along on many of his adventures and some mis-adventures in various home and auto repair tasks.  I feel pretty confident with painting, caulking, basic plumbing , basic woodworking, auto repair, power tools and I’ve been known to mess around with electrical tasks, much to my father’s dismay. 

Sometimes, I feel a little bad for my husband because I tend to be like my two-year-old. “Me do it BY MYSELF!”  It’s a pride thing and, let’s be honest, it’s just sort of bad-ass to know your way around a power tool. Am I right?  

But, there are two areas where I draw the line:  I don’t mow the lawn and I don’t grill.  I know, these probably sound pretty silly to my fellow Army Wives.  I know, they aren’t hard and I could do them, but I just don’t want to. (Two Year Old: “Me NO DO IT!”)

Why don’t I mow lawns?  I’m not really sure, but I’ll go ahead and blame my parents.  For some reason, my father taught me everything except lawn mowing.  They always had my brother do it when we were teenagers.  I remember mowing once. I made one pass across the backyard and they sent my brother out to do it for me.  I’m guessing that perhaps I was doing a really terrible job?  Although, it doesn’t really seem that complicated. Regardless, I’m ok with not mowing the lawn. I didn’t particularly enjoy it...it’s sweaty, the grass sticks to you, it takes a hunk of time out of the day and it can be hard work when you’re trying to hurry or have hills in the yard.  So, I have no desire to mow the lawn. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a husband that gets tremendous satisfaction from a well mowed yard.  I know what my fellow Military Spouses are thinking: What about when he leaves, Ms. I-don’t-mow-lawns?  Well, I still don’t mow lawns.  I don’t enjoy it, so I don’t do it. I know I can’t apply that reasoning to every unpleasant task, but let’s be honest…it’s pretty easy to out-source my lawn mowing duties.  I have twenty bucks and there are teen boys that will do it for me.  Deployments come with lots of extra duties and I decided long ago that I would rather skip a few Starbucks visits than mow the lawn. 

As for grilling, I’m somewhat less adamant about that and I’m even less sure about why I don’t do it.  It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was more of a realization.  I bought steaks one day to grill, then realized my husband was in the field and I didn’t know how to work the darned thing.  And, I had no desire to learn.  I think the crux of the matter is that grilling is usually an event, a family event, a social event or a party.  It wasn’t simply a means to provide food…it was an occasion.  So, when my husband isn’t around to grill, I don’t really want to anyway.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to attending a cook out while my husband is away…I’ll certainly attend but there’s usually someone else manning the grill, my dad or a friend’s husband or something.  I don’t have to do it. 

So there it is.  I am a Proud Army Spouse – Mom, Wife and SuperWoman, but I don’t mow lawns and I don’t grill.  What do you think about that?  Are there any tasks you refuse to do?

You asked for it

I treated myself to some new tops from Banana Republic this week since I'm getting close to my pre-baby weight. I tried them on for Soldier to help me pick which ones to keep.

His comments:

""Wow, it makes your arms look really long"

"That looks comfy"

“You look like a farmer" regarding a cute pink plaid top that I really loved.

“Eh..the sleeves are too short” regarding a really gorgeous dress blouse that made me feel glamorous.

I gave up after that since my self-esteem was in the toilet. I explained to him afterwards that when a recently post-partum woman asks him to admire her new clothes, he should admire effusively unless it really looks horrendous. If it looks that bad, then he should heap on the praise about how skinny said woman is looking and how that top just doesn't show off her great new figure and she should buy more since she really deserves something gorgeous.

Deployments and Decision Making

Today I saw a decision I made over a year ago, pay off in a very rewarding way.  It was a small decision, something that didn’t seem monumental at the time. However, even tiny decisions can have both positive and negative impacts in large and small ways. This particular decision had some minor negative impacts in the short term but a hugely positive impact in the long run.  It wasn’t a particularly big decision, nothing that required months of research or anything like that, but it was one of those every day dilemmas that I normally would have discussed with Soldier before making a decision.  Unfortunately, he was in Iraq at the time and though we had communication, it was limited and it just wasn’t possible or practical to discuss every single thing with him before deciding. 

This scenario is something faced by all military spouses at some point…whether it’s a field exercise, TDY, a deployment, or even just a range where the soldiers aren’t getting cell signal.  Sometimes these decisions are related to life-altering events: a severe illness, a death in the family, a job change, buying a house.  Sometimes the decisions relate to big financial actions or big parenting dilemmas. But, most frequently, the decisions you will be faced with are ones like mine…small, mundane, every day questions.  Should I let the kids go to so-and-so’s house?  Should I go out to dinner with these gals at that place?  Do we have ice cream before dinner?  Do the kids get to watch this movie?  Should I buy those pillows for the couch?   These are real questions that need to be answered sooner or later, but they don’t necessarily make for great conversation when you do get your soldier’s full attention…whether it’s for 5 minutes on a static-y connection or for 15 minutes before they pass out from a hard day’s work. 

As military couples, we know we must work to make our relationship strong and develop a mutual understanding and respect so that we can survive a deployment.  But, this strength, communication and respect that we foster before they go to the field can help carry those of us left behind in this decision making process.  Can you objectively assess how your spouse would likely react to any of the given issues?  Do you know which issues tend to be “hot button” issues for you both?  Can you objectively relate your spouse’s position on those issues, even if they differ from yours?  This knowledge and perspective, plus using those good old fashioned critical thinking skills, will help you determine when you can make a decision on behalf of you and your spouse, as a couple, on these every day dilemmas.  This may even help you with knowing where the line is on those “bigger” decisions. 

If you aren’t sure you know how your spouse might react to certain situations, take the time to talk with him/her now.  If you know you might have “big” questions coming up, ask your spouse’s thoughts on them now.  My husband and I had to do this quite a bit before his last deployment.  His grandfather had been ill for quite some time, was living in a skilled nursing facility and had been going steadily downhill over the last six months. No one was sure how long he would survive and we knew there was a possibility that Soldier would be deployed when his grandfather passed away.  We talked about whether or not he would want a Red Cross Message sent and whether he would want to try to return home for the funeral. Without having asked, I probably would have sent the message, since that’s what spouses are told to do when there’s a death in the family.  Soldier had a different perspective.  He told me he didn’t want a message sent if we were managing weekly or bi-weekly communication. He explained there was nothing he could do to change the circumstances or to help since his father, uncles and cousins were living in the immediate area and he doubted he’d get a flight back in time for the funeral anyway.  More importantly, I was pregnant with Bunny Girl and he wasn’t willingto use an emergency leave situation or his R & R time going to his grandfather’s funeral when it could mean not being able to come home if I needed him or so he could meet our newborn.  I was touched by his reasoning and honestly, never would have considered the matter that way. 

Through conversations like this and other “what-if” scenarios, I feel that I have a pretty solid understanding of my husband’s perspective. So, last year when I was approached, at separate times, by our parents wanting to take Monster Boy (then 2½) to his first big screen movie experience, I confidently said no.  I explained that, first of all, I thought he was a little too young still, and, more importantly, his father loved movies, loved movie theaters and the big screen experience. Though we’d never discussed it, I knew that Soldier would want to take our little Monster Boy to his first movie.  Neither parent was particularly pleased with my answer, since they felt it wasn’t a big deal and I was being unreasonable.  However, in my heart, I knew what Soldier Boy would want.  During deployments, he missed so much with the kids that a bit of disappointment from our parents would be worth it to save this special adventure for just Daddy and Son.

Soldier took Monster Boy to see Cars 2 today.  He planned their outing out a week ahead and talked about it every night.  Monster Boy was excited about his special adventure with Daddy, but was a little scared of the movie.  They had popcorn, gummy bears and even shared a little soda. (I wasn’t too thrilled about the soda, but I rolled my eyes and let it go.)  Monster Boy loved it and has been talking about the movie, his popcorn and treats and his Daddy Adventure since then.  Soldier told me how fun and special it was for him and it just warmed my heart.

I made the right decision for my family and I am proud that I stood my ground, even when it seemed inconsequential to others.