Educate and Make Community Connections

I’ve wanted to share this story for several weeks, but just haven’t had an opportunity to sit and write it.  Two days after Sweet Baby Girl was born, and while she was still in the Level 3 NICU, Soldier and I were visited by the Social Worker assigned to the Special Care Nurseries. She said that her visit was routine and that she meets with all parents with infants in the nursery to assess their needs.  Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about social workers and what they do beyond what I’ve seen on TV. (A very reliable source, I know.)  It sounded reasonable that she would visit with parents to ensure we were mentally, emotionally and physically able to care for a special needs newborn.  I expected questions along the lines of our home situation, other children in the house, child care and whether or not I worked outside the home. 

After jotting down our names, she said to Soldier, “You’re in the Army, right?”  I chalked this up to the haircut or that she knew we had been transferred from the military hospital.  I expected her to ask about my employment, but she didn’t. 

“So, you’re here then?”  Umm…you’re looking at him aren’t you, lady?  I didn’t get where she was going.  Soldier looked equally baffled.

“I mean, you’re got going over ‘there’ are you? You aren’t going away?”  Ohhh…I think she’s asking about a deployment.

“No,” I responded. “He’s not scheduled to deploy.”   Having had two deployment babies, I thought she was trying to find out if he was home for a while or not.

“Oh, good.  You won’t have to go overseas.”  She said this as if she was restating my answer.

“Well, I didn’t say that he’ll never deploy again, I just said that he’s not currently scheduled for a deployment.”

She still looked confused. “But, they say the troops will be home by Christmas.”

I was dumbfounded. “Well, yes, some of them.” 

Still confused, she asked “So, they won’t all be home then?”

I was a little horrified and couldn’t quite decide how to respond, but Soldier took care of it, “There’s a whole other country and a whole other war…Afghanistan.  There are still lots of soldiers deployed overseas…a war is still going on.”

I finally found my voice and thinking of all my friends with soldiers currently in Afghanistan, I tried to help by saying “You’ve probably seen it in the news. Fort Bliss has a lot of soldiers that have recently deployed to Afghanistan.”

“Oh yes,” she confidently answered, “Fort Bliss has had lots of soldiers stationed here for years.”

It was my turn to be confused but she had turned to me and said, “So, you’re all by yourself here.”   This was a statement and not a question.

Suddenly, I knew where she was going with this.  My guard went up and I immediately became suspicious of her.  “I’m sorry…I don’t know what you mean?”

“You know, you don’t have anyone here, do you?”  I was prepared to stonewall her but Soldier helped her out and said that my parents were here helping take care of the kids.  I knew that wasn’t what she was asking, but she let it go. 

In the few moments we had been talking with her, two things were obvious to me.  The first was that she knew nothing about the giant Army base in the middle of the city where she’s spent her whole life.  The second was that she seemed to hold some deep-seated, beliefs about the military, none of them favorable. She seemed to believe we had “no one” and were all alone.  In my exhausted, hormonal, emotionally fragile state, I wavered between anger and panic. 

I was angry that she could think that about me, without really knowing anything at all. Dozens of faces ran through my mind – all my sweet friends here in El Paso that had been calling, texting and messaging me their love, support, encouragement and offers of help over the last 48 hours.   If I had accepted all the offers of meals for my family, I wouldn’t have had to grocery shop or cook for about two months.  I had friends offer to pick up laundry, clean my house, walk my dog, watch my kids, take Monster Boy to preschool, run errands, grocery shop and sit with Sweet Baby Girl at the hospital so I could rest. Really, I had so much help that the only tasks leftover for me would be sitting on my bum and eating bon-bons. I was also very confident that those offering help really meant it. I have a hard time believing that civilians would get this kind of support from people not related to them.  Would civilian co-workers rally this kind of support? 

I was panicked because I didn’t know precisely what her role in my daughter’s care was. Did she have the power to influence when and how my daughter was discharged?  Could she recommend that my baby stay hospitalized longer because she believed I didn’t have the support systems necessary to care for her at home?   I was horrified at the thought that her preconceived notions about military families could keep my baby away from me longer than absolutely necessary.

I wanted to defend myself and my fellow Military Families, I wanted to give into my anger but as I looked at her I realized I saw confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.  I already knew the explanation – She knew nothing about military life.  Until recently, the base had been mostly a training location.  Soldiers and their families came and went rather quickly as the completed their courses.  There were some permanent units, but very few. Over all, it wasn’t a large installation.  However, things changed with the Base Realignment and Consolidation.  An entire combat division was relocated here. Over four years, the base population swelled by an additional 60,000 soldiers and family members.  And, these were War Fighters: soldiers and families that have been through, and expect to go through even more, deployments.  The community, and this social worker, didn’t know anything about the military service members and their families and how to support them.  It wasn’t her fault; she just didn’t know.

As I calmed down, I asked her “Do you get a lot of military families now?”

“Well, no.”  The truth came out. “We’ve been getting more over the last year…it’s definitely increasing.”

I chatted a bit with her about the base and explained about the division being relocated here and how many soldiers that meant.  I also explained that there are offices and folks on post that are intended to serve as community liaisons – to help military families integrate into the civilian community and to help educate the civilian community about military families.  I gave her a few examples: teachers and school districts work with the SLO, EFMP works with numerous agencies off and on post to provide care and support to families with special needs and unique circumstances, AFTB teaches “Army Basics” to those wanting to learn more about Army Life.  I offered to connect her with some of my contacts here on post, if she was interested in learning more about Military Families.  
 

After we were discharged, I followed up with her via e-mails. We discussed the base structure, the basics of ACS and army family support systems. I also shared my passion for AFTB.  I would Love, LOVE to see some of her staff in one of my AFTB classes. 

I also shared the National Military Family Association's Community Tool Kit with her.  This is an easy to read reference that helps civilians, that may not be familiar with the community, learn about Military Families and how to connect and support.  I really, really love these Tool Kits.  The Association also has a Military Child Tool Kit and a Military Teen Tool Kit that is perfect for sharing with teachers, pediatricians, guidance counselors, sports coaches, etc.  The Tool Kits came out of the Association's Operation Purple camps...they share what Military Children want you to know about them and about how they approach their life. The Association also completed a massive study in 2010 through the RAND corporation on Military Children. The results of this study are so humbling.  Our Military Children are so brave, so adventurous and so proud.  It makes my mommy heart just about burst.  To download a copy of the Tool Kits for free, order hard copies, read the report from the RAND study and check out the other Publications of the Association,  go to http://www.militaryfamily.org/publications/

I challenge you to look around your community, your friends and even your family.  Are you, as a Military Family, connecting with your community?  Do you feel like your community supports you or do you think they just don’t get it?  What about your civilian friends?  Your civilian family members?  I encourage you to share the resources at your local installation with them and talk about your experiences. You can be the bridge and the connection for them and help them learn and support other military families.

*This story appeared, in part, in National Military Family Association's "The Voice for Military Families" in the June/July 2012 edition.  For more information, www.militaryfamily.org. 

Welcome Home, Sweet Baby Girl!

As you can see from the photos, we made it home yesterday with oru Sweet Baby Girl!   Yesterday was sort of a roller coaster for us since we spent lots of time at the hospital waiting on blood work to clear her. We also had a little problem with her medication.  She's on a medication that helps open her lungs and helps her better absorb oxygen...she's had tremendous results on it and it's likely the reason we got to take her home.  HOWEVER....it's REALLY HARD to find a pharmacy that's open on Thanksgiving.  Soldier and I spent 30 - 45 minutes looking up pharmacies on our phones and calling with no luck.  My fab Facebook friends handled the problem in about 4 minutes and found two pharmacies that would fill our prescription. We thought we were golden.  Little did we know, the drug she is on is apparently rather rare and isn't stocked at most pharmacies.  Unfortunately, no one foresaw that possibility, so we happily took our little baby home.  After our homecoming, Soldier ran back out to WBAMC to fill the script and discovered that WBAMC doesn't carry it, nor did the 24 hour Walgreens.  I was a little panicky at the thought of having a baby with respiratory troubles and not having medication for her. I called the NICU and explained the situation to the nurse and was sure they would tell me to bring her back for readmission but they just said to have Soldier stop by and they'd give him a 24 hours supply to get us through.  I'm not sure how kosher that is, but I'm grateful because I didn't want to give my SBG back!!!   On Wednesday night, a home health company delivered an oxygen cylinder and a pulse/oxygen monitor for her and taught me how to use it all.  She was discharged on a little bit of oxygen, which was disappointing since she was doing so well yesterday.  But, her regular doctor wasn't in yesterday and I kind of think the oxygen issue is just a matter of different doctors since she still seem to be doing exceptionally well on the oxygen.  They've given me the OK to test her off oxygen when I think she's ready, so I'm watching her saturation levels today and maybe we'll try tonight or tomorrow.  Mommy's a little more tentative about messing with the oxygen than the NICU nurses are!

We're discovering all kinds of adventures with the baby and equipment.  It's not easy to move around the house with SBG since she's attached to a big oxygen tank on wheels and a heavy monitor that plugs into the wall.  Moving her anywhere beyond the three foot radius that her cords allow requires two people.  I am humbled by the experience and have realized that I may have "understood" that getting out and about was "difficult" for someone with physical limitations or adaptive equipment, but honestly, I had no idea how challenging just existing on a daily basis could be...and I'll I'm dealing with are two, relatively small, pieces of equipment.  Mike and I are learning how to maneuver Olivia and are setting up "Olivia stations" in the living room and bedroom so we can minimize the times we have to shuffle her equipment around, but I'm definitely looking forward to the day when I can ditch her accessories.   I also feel like a first-time Mom again: staying awake and watching her breathe. (More accurately...watching the pulse ox monitor.)  Jumping when she makes a noise or when that dratted monitor alarm goes off. (We haven't had an actual desaturation alarm, which is great.  We just have a million alarms telling us the sensor isn't getting a good read, usually because we're changing her diaper or she's kicking her feet around. We've done everything we can to ensure the sensors are in place securely and the nurse told us it just happens, but still....it's annoying!) Obsessing about germs. (Why do I always have babies during the cold and flu season??)    I also worry about Monster Boy and Bunny Girl messing with SBG's O2 controls...either increasing or decreasing her flow.  They can't turn it off but the adjustment knob is super easy for little hands to manipulate.   I spoke with the home health company and they are getting us a smaller, more portable tank in a little shoulder bag so we can get Olivia in the car and to her doctor's appointments easier, so that should help.

Aside from those adventures, our first night was pretty smooth and a pretty typical "Baby's First Night Home"  Soldier and I didn't get much sleep, but somehow SBG seems well rested.  I suppose I'm better off than some new moms...I'm a week post-cesearan, so I'm feeling a lot better than some new mommies would feel when they bring their babies home. That makes the in-and-out of bed routine a lot easier at night!   (And, a lot less painful.)

Thankfully, things with Tricare have been pretty smooth.  We're expecting some huge bills and are getting lots of calls from various billing departments.  So far, between my conversations with Tricare and the various billing reps, everything seems to be pretty easy. We've had one little issue with her medication and with the hospital-grade breast pump I rented, but it's not a big deal. (Tricare only covers pump rentals for premature newborns, not 9 pounders that stopped breathing and couldn't nurse, but whatever...it's not a crisis.)   We've got a bunch of follow up appointments in the next couple of weeks, but I can't schedule them since everyone is closed for the holiday today.

 Yesterday, one of the wives in our unit blessed us with a beautiful Thanksgiving feast, delivered to the house and ready to eat.  Honestly, I would have been happy with leftovers in a plastic bag, but she made a beautiful turkey, arranged and presented better than any turkey I've ever done and included all the sides and extras.  What a treat for us and I was extra thankful for her when Ethan asked why we weren't celebrating with turkey like everyone else was.

I also want to say how grateful I am for our nanny extraordinaire and my parents. Extraordinary cleared her day last Wednesday to stay with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl while I went in "just to be checked,(haha) and ended up staying with the kids all day. When I was admitted, my father ran out of a meeting, went straight to an airport and snagged a seat on the next flight to El Paso.  Luckily, he was already in Texas, so he made it out here in record time. (I think less than six hours after he got the phone call he was at the hospital checking on me and relieving Extraordinary at the house.) On his first day on the job, Grandpa managed to get both kids out the door for preschool, was back home to let the housekeeper in, back out the door for preschool pick-up and then to the airport.  My mom flew out on the first flight the morning after SBGwas born, she made it here before noon and has been on the job since. She had help from my Dad until Sunday when he returned to work but she's managed grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, Monster Boy and Bunny Girl (in their "finest" moments!) and still had time to be a shoulder for me to cry on when I have a "Mommy Moment."  (And I think she's worked in a little cyber-shopping as well!)   I'm so incredibly grateful that my parents could drop what they were doing and come to the rescue.  I know my Army Family here at Fort Bliss is always available to help, but it sure did make things easy those first few days to know that everyone was settled and taken care of.  And, I'm grateful to have the extra hands so I don't have to take SBG out of the house right now with all of her equipment and I'm not supposed to drive yet.

Our plan is to lay low and "recover" over the next couple of days...try to get the family into a new normal routine and get a little sanity back into everyone's heads!  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a successful Black Friday! Thank you for all your prayers!

Five Days Old

We're still here and still truckin'.   SBG is off the ventilator now and has been moved to the Level 2 nursery.  It's just been a little rough with trips to the hospital and managing my symptoms still.  Right now, I'm either pumping, sleeping or at the hospital with Olivia.  I try to work in a little time with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl, but I know those two are showing the strain of the last few days.   SGB is doing well; she’s eating well and responding to the meds.

The main issue is that pesky oxygen...she's not tolerating efforts to taper it.  Right now, she's got 3 more days of antibiotics before they can consider releasing her.  She could stay longer depending on the oxygen issue and the results of the blood test we're still waiting for.  But, I remain hopeful that Thursday will be our magic day!    I'm fine...despite my ER adventures.  Basically, I had a bunch of tests to confirm what we already knew - I had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood.  I'm extra weak because of the blood loss...it will get better, just takes time and they'll be doing extra blood work on me over the next few weeks to make sure I'm rebounding. Apparently, I also have an absurd amount of air pockets in my torso/abdomen from the surgery that are causing me considerable discomfort.  Again, it will improve...just takes time.  We're chalking this up to the fast and furious c-section and how things went down that day.

Three Days Old

We just got back from the hospital - Sweet Baby Girl 's doing fantastic.  She's off the ventilator, she's eating on her own (and nursing!!!) and her lungs are sounding better. There are no further signs of infection, so the antibiotics seem to be doing their job.  They are pulling her umbilical line (where she's been getting glucose and fluids for nutrition) today since she's eating so well.  They are also transferring her to the intermediate care nursery since most of her tubes/monitors will be coming off soon.  She'll just have an IV line and will just need to finish the 7 day antibiotic course, so we're hoping she'll come home on Wednesday or Thursday next week. The doctor said there's still a small amount of blood in her lungs still and they've sent it to be tested to see if it's still my blood from delivery or hers from something else.  We're hoping the tests come back as mine since the docs said they'll just let it work its way out since she's breathing so well and her blood gas tests are good.  If it's her blood, then they'll need to do a bronchoscopy to see what's going on.

Everyone else is doing well...kids are showing the strain of the crazy week with some crazy behavior, but that's to be expected.  Soldier and I are learning how to juggle our back and forth trips to the hospital.  We're learning how to manage pumping schedules, hospital feeding trips, two tots that miss mommy and naps for a tired mommy.  We've been so blessed by my parents being here to help with Monster Boy and Bunny Girl and with the many offers of help and tasty dinners we've received.  I love you all and will eventually give you all big hugs and tell you thank you personally when this is all over. 

Update from the NICU

I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love, prayers and support we've had for our Sweet Baby Girl. She seems to be doing well and making progress.  She's barely using the ventilator right now....down to 10% and they are hoping to extubate her sometime this morning or early afternoon, assuming her tests are all reassuring this morning.  I managed to sweet talk my way out of the hospital late last night....29 hours post-cesarean. Not too shabby, since they said most first time and emergency c-sections don't get sprung for about 72 hours.  I made it up to see Sweet Baby Girl for the first time last night around 10pm.  I'm so thankful that she's at a hospital nearby.  The staff there is great and have been very good to both of us.  I couldn't stay the night since I'm in some pain but I’m headed up there this morning to be there when they extubate her, hopefully. The signs of infection she was showing yesterday are already receding with the antibiotics, which is wonderful.  They doctors and nurses are hopeful that, once she's extubated and monitored, they can move her to a "step-down" nursery.  Which means lots more mommy snuggles and that we'll get to try breastfeeding.  She's been receiving nourishment via IV through her umbilical, but they hope to start her on tiny amounts of the colostrum I've been pumping as soon as she's off the vent and then work up to nursing.  I know this may be a tough transition, but I'm hopeful that we can learn together to establish nursing once she's a little stronger. They still expect about a total of 7 days in the hospital, which means I'll be extra, extra, extra thankful on Thanksgiving but I'm grateful that we seem to be turning the corner and can see the finish line.   We don't have a lot of photos because the NICU really limits it, but hopefully, we'll have some opportunities over the next couple of days.

My heart is touched by all the love we've been showered with through this adventure.  I've received so many offers to help and so many sweet messages from friends and family, near and far.  I will eventually respond to everyone, but right now it seems like we're running non-stop between hospital visits, pumping sessions, Monster Boy,  Bunny Girl and my physical limitations.  

Welcome to our Sweet Baby Girl!

We are very pleased to announce the arrival of the newest little Hooah.  We haven’t come up with a great nickname for her yet, but we’ve been calling her Sweet Baby Girl for now.  But, to be fair, she really is the sweetest little girl ever.  Her spirit and joy shine through despite the rough ride she’s had since her arrival. 
Our Sweet Baby Girl decided to make her arrival on November 16^th.  With two uneventful pregnancies and a totally boring medical history, I figured she would be a cake walk. I was praying that I’d go into labor naturally because I didn’t want to deal with another induction.  (Side note: Be careful what you ask for, because He does listen.  The answers just may not be what you want!)   I’ll post her full Birth Story later when things settle down.  She arrived by emergency c-section at 1:17pm.  I had a placental abruption and had an emergency c-section because she was in some distress and I was bleeding heavily.  We didn’t get to see her because they took her away so fast.  We were told that she stopped breathing after she was born. She was intubated, placed on a ventilator and transported to the Children’s Hospital where they have a Level 3 NICU. I am still at the Army hospital where she was born.  I have two cell phone photos of her that Soldier was able to snap when they took him to see her in the NICU before she was transported. I want to be with her so much. I breaks my heart that she's so tiny, alone, fighting to breathe, maybe hurting and that I can't comfort her.  I've tried to sleep but only managed about two hours. I just can't stop thinking about her and praying that she's doing ok.  I've been awake all night, holding my own vigil for her and willing her to fight.

Sweet Baby Girl, 1 hour old:

 

Army Wives need Mentors, too!

Usually when people talk about mentors, they are talking about a professional mentor, an academic mentor or something sports or music related.  Usually a mentor-mentee relationship has some kind of talent or goal in common with each other that forms the basis for the Mentoring relationship.  Mentors are common in the Army...a senior Soldier will take a new guy under his/her wing and show them the ropes and helps them as they navigate through their Army Career.   But, for spouses and family members -- have you considered that maybe YOU need an Army Mentor, too?  

Let's be honest -- Army Life can be confusing, especially in the beginning. For those of us that have "been there, done that," I think we can all still remember what it was like to first navigate this crazy world we live in.   I've been reflecting on my first year as an Army Spouse a lot lately because my path has crossed with quite a few new Army families lately...one of the is even my own extended family!  In their faces and questions, I am reminded of my first Army experiences and have wondered how I got to a point where I felt capable navigating Army Life and teaching others about it.  I realized there were a few key people that made this possible -- they were my Army Mentors.  As a new bride, I was very, very fortunate to have crossed paths with three ladies that were pivotal in teaching me what I needed to know to manage Army life.  I remember observing conversations early on where I understood only five words:  And, Of, The, If and Or.   All the rest was acronyms, unit names/numbers, and other words that I didn't know the meaning of.  I remembering hoping my panic and confusion didn't show on my face too much.   Luckily, I had these three lovely ladies who were kind enough to answer my questions and prod me in the right direction when I wasn't asking the RIGHT questions so I could learn what I needed to know.   They showed me what Army life COULD be, if I chose to embrace it.  (I also met a few people along the way that showed me the other side of what Army life could be, but it didn't take long to realize I did NOT like the preview they gave me!)   I absorbed everything they offered...I listened, I asked questions and I still consult them when I have an Army Dilemma that is bothering me.   I firmly believe that the Army adventure for me and my family would be a LOT different had I not been privy to the knowledge and experience of these ladies.  

So, again, I pose the question to you:  Do you have an Army Mentor?  Do you have someone that's "been there, done that" and not just survived but thrived?  Do you have someone that you can turn to with questions about your Army life?   Who can you ask about careers progression?  Who can tell you about customs or what to wear to the various Army events?  Who can decode acronyms and the strange names given to units, agencies and organizations on post?  Who knows which agency or office to turn to or the right channels to get your problem resolved?  Who can help you interpret something your Soldier says or does?   Who can understand what going through a deployment or TDY separation is like?   I assure you, most of your friends back home and much of your family will NOT be able to help, though they may try.  By becoming an Army Family, we are branded and forever marked as "different" in some small way.  You need an Army Mentor to help you learn how to handle this life with grace, love and fun. 

If you haven't found an Army Mentor, I suggest you put yourself out there and try to make connections.  The FRG is a fantastic place to do this as you explore and find "your people."   Use the FRG leader, the Key Callers or other volunteers as a sounding board -- their job is to answer questions, be a knowledgeable resource for how to get things done on post and get the RIGHT answers for you, whether the question is "what to wear" or "what does this mean?"   As you explore the FRG, you may find your mentor there, you may find dear friends.  You'll also find opportunities to widen your circle of experiences and acquaintances.  The spouses clubs on post are a great place to make connections.  ACS (Army Community Service) offers classes designed just few new Army families -- Army Family Team Building.  This program is designed to be a crash-course in Army-Know-How.  I sincerely WISH I'd had the opportunity to take those courses as a new bride...I would have fit into my new life so much faster if I had!   Volunteering is another way to expand your experience--you can do this in the civilian community or on-post; Schools, Thrift Shops, youth sports programs and the like are all avenues to find people you might connect with and find an experienced spouse to serve as your Army Mentor.